


take this bad idea and walk this wire

by WritersBlock109



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Cheating, F/F, Pregnancy, Waitress AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:44:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 22,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21969454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritersBlock109/pseuds/WritersBlock109
Summary: It's a bad idea. Christen's just found out she's pregnant, and Tobin is her doctor. Christen is married, albeit to a drunkard she's been with since high school, and Tobin is in a complicated relationship with a girl back home. And yet, they can't resist each other.---a.k.a. the Waitress AU no one asked for
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 165
Kudos: 760





	1. funny how one night can ruin your whole life

**Author's Note:**

> me? writing fanfic? in this economy? more likely than u think 
> 
> this fic is based on the musical waitress, with modifications. call them artistic liberties. this idea came to me a few days ago and it's been percolating in my brain and I'm on winter break and I'm bored so I thought...what if...I wrote fanfic...jk...unless???
> 
> i know, i know, i know. cheating is bad. i do not advocate for it and it is by no means acceptable. however...it's also a story about growth and self-love and i love this story and i love the musical and i think it's a story that needs writing so i wanted to write it 
> 
> stream waitress the musical for clear skin and good grades
> 
> fic title from bad idea: reprise from waitress
> 
> chapter title from bad idea from waitress
> 
> leave a comment or kudos!!! i value your opinions!!!
> 
> as always...christen and tobin if you're reading this i was hacked

_Oh, fuck, _Christen thought, looking at the pregnancy test gingerly held in both hands. 

_Positive._

She rested her arms on her legs and leaned forward, resigning herself to the wave of emotions that crashed into her like a tsunami. 

One drunk night in that stupid red dress. One night, an aberration in the broad scope of things. Christen and her husband never had sex anymore. She wasn’t sure why she even stayed with him. If she was being honest, though, she knew, in her core, she was petrified of leaving him.

“Christen? Chris?” Two raps sounded at the door of the diner restroom she sat in, alone. “Everything okay?” 

Christen rose to her feet, letting out a breath. She opened the door to find her best friends Kelley and Ali exactly as she’d left them, twin expressions of concern painted on their faces. She was so grateful they were with her, and she knew they wouldn’t leave her side. 

“I’m pregnant,” Christen stated matter-of-factly. 

Kelley and Ali looked at each other, not knowing how to react. An awkward blanket of silence settled over the group as her best friends studied Christen’s expression for clues as to how she was feeling and found none. Her face was blank, unfeeling. 

“Are we happy about this?” Ali asked, breaking the silence. 

“No. Well...” Christen faltered, her conflicting emotions present on her countenance. “Yes. I… I’m not sure.” 

Ali stepped forward gingerly toward her and placed a hand on her best friend’s shoulder, letting the simple gesture ground her. Kelley didn’t bother with being gentle, instead choosing to launch herself at Christen, wrapping her in a tight hug. Christen, though startled at first, sighed into her shoulder. Ali followed close behind, joining them in the hug. Christen let her friends hold her up, and finally let herself cry silently, letting the tears fall onto the blue uniforms of her friends. 

“You know we’re here for you, no matter what happens. We’ve got you, Pressy,” Kelley murmured into Christen’s thick hair. 

“How touching,” a sarcastic voice sounded from behind them. Carli Lloyd, their general manager. “I hate to break up such a wholesome moment but may I remind you that you are on the clock. These tables aren’t going to wait themselves, ladies.”  
Kelley whirled around, ready to give Carli a piece of her mind, but Christen placed a hand in the middle of her back, stopping her before she had the chance to go off on Carli. 

“Yes, of course. Sorry, Carli,” Christen spoke, her voice even, despite her emotions. 

“God, I fucking hate her,” Kelley whispered. 

“What she said,” Ali agreed. Christen giggled at this break in her usually-peaceful nature. 

“Can you guys take my tables for a few minutes? I’m gonna call my doctor, see if they have any openings,” Christen said. 

“Of course, hon, take all the time you need,” Ali rubbed her back and gave her a warm smile. 

Christen slipped outside to make a phone call, scheduling her appointment for early the next morning because her shift was later in the morning. She was disappointed that she wouldn’t be able to sleep in, but she knew that she wouldn’t be able to rest well anyway without seeing a doctor. 

As she was ending her phone call, she watched a familiar old red pickup truck pull into the diner parking lot. She watched as her husband climbed out of the vehicle, slamming the door closed, and swaggering toward her. He was clearly intoxicated-as he often was- despite it being just past 11AM. 

“Hey baby,” he slurred out, leaning forward to kiss her. She ducked him and left him stumbling forward. 

“You reek, Earl,” Christen murmured, stepping away from him. “Why are you here?”

“Aw, come on now baby. Don’t you miss me during the day?” 

“Why are you here?” Christen repeated. 

“Need your tips. I’m out of smokes and I’m out of money to get more. Paycheck don’t come in till Saturday.” 

Christen sighed, rubbing her temples. This was the man whose child she was carrying, the man whose ring she wore on her left hand. Her brain desperately screamed at her to say,_“No. This is the money I worked my ass off for and I am not giving it to your drunk, sorry ass.”_ Instead, she reached into her apron and fished out a tenner, handing it over wordlessly. 

“Thank you baby,” Earl said, leaning forward to kiss her cheek. “You know I love you, right?” 

She nodded and crossed her arms as she watched him retreat to his truck and pull away. She turned around and strode inside, regret filling her belly.

-=+=-

Christen woke up the next morning sore, as she always did. She had worked overtime last night and knew she would have to keep working overtime to save money for the baby. Earl managed their finances, and was unemployed with no job opportunities on the horizon, though he always claimed he would go looking tomorrow. She knew tomorrow wouldn’t come any time soon, and they would have to tighten their belt, even as her belly swelled.

Christen knew her options. She knew she was under no pressure to keep the baby, and she certainly wouldn’t be happy if she kept it. She would be in pain, working overtime with her swollen feet and to provide for her drunkard husband and her shitty house. She was fully supportive of the right to choose, but she knew she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She had wanted to be a mother for as long as she could remember, and she knew there was never going to be a “right time,” so to say. So after a long night of mulling over it, and a few panicked phone calls to her sister and best friends, swearing them to secrecy, she decided, tentatively, to keep the baby. 

She took the bus to her doctor’s clinic, because Earl-unemployed, lazy, Earl- was the only one with a car, and she wasn’t quite ready to tell him yet, so he couldn’t drive her. 

She checked in and sat in the tiny, empty exam room after the nurse took her vitals, waiting for Dr. Pomatter to see her. She’d had Dr. Pomatter for as long as she could remember-he was even the one who delivered her. She was glad of his practiced, gentle demeanor, and his kind eyes. He would help her through this, no matter what happened. 

The door swung open suddenly, shocking her from her thoughts. A slender woman strode in, her tousled light brown hair cascading around her, framing her hazel eyes and high cheekbones perfectly. 

“Hi,” she said, flashing Christen a polite smile. “I’m Dr. Heath.”


	2. i never saw you coming, and i'll never be the same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> christen meets her new doctor. will sparks fly?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a lot of dialogue in this chapter-a lot of it was taken directly from the movie's script, with modifications. this chapter is about as close as i'm getting to the actual waitress-i'm trying to make this my own the most i can. enjoy!

“Hi, I’m Dr. Heath,” the woman smiled at her, crinkling at the eyes warmly. She looked down at her clipboard.

“Who-who are you?” Christen asked, taken aback. This was certainly not the older, familiar gentleman she had been expecting.  
“I’m your doctor. Dr. Heath.” 

“You’re not Dr. Pomatter.”

Tobin inspected herself, looking down at her body. “No, it would appear I’m not.”

“Well, what happened to him?”

“He retired.” 

“But...but he delivered me. I’ve known him my whole life. I trusted him. I _liked_ him.” 

“Well, maybe you could really like and trust me too?” Tobin gave her another winning smile.

“I’ve never even seen you before.”

“Yeah, I’m new. Just got hired. Long story short, this is still Dr. Pomatter’s practice, I’m the junior doctor on staff. I moved here from New Jersey two weeks ago.” 

“That’s...a long way away.” 

“Yeah.” 

“What’s your name again?”

“Dr. Heath. Tobin Heath.”

“Okay.” 

“And you’re-” Tobin checked her clipboard. “Christen Press.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Christen. What seems to be the problem?” Tobin approached her.

“I seem to be pregnant,” Christen let the words flow out of her quickly, as if desperate to be rid of them. 

“Congratulations!” Tobin said, genuine in her excitement. 

“Thanks, but I don’t want this baby.”

Tobin furrowed her brow. “Oh, um. Well, we don’t perform abortions here, but I’d be happy to recommend you to another clinic-” 

“No, no, I’m keeping it, I just...I’m telling you I’m not so happy about it, like everyone else might be. So maybe you could be sensitive and not congratulate me and make a big deal every time you see me. I’m having the baby, and that’s that,” Christen didn’t meet the doctor’s eyes. 

“Got it. We do have plenty of pamphlets outlining your options, and if you should change your mind at any point, don’t hesitate to reach out,” Tobin said professionally, her tone sincere.

“Thank you.”

“Well how about we do a blood test to make sure you’re pregnant, and then we’ll check for diseases, hormone levels, stuff like that. Sound like a plan?”

“Okay.”

“The nurse will be right in. Don’t go anywhere.”

“Nowhere to go,” Christen smiled weakly. 

Christen was never afraid of needles or blood, so she wasn’t that bothered when her blood was taken. She waited after the nurse left, and looked down at her stomach, at her companion for the next few months. How would she tell Earl about this? What if he forced her to get rid of it? 

A knock at the door sounded before it swung open with the same force as before, as if announcing Tobin’s presence with a bang. She strode in with the same confidence as before, practiced self-assuredness. 

“Well, un-congratulations. You’re definitely having a baby,” Tobin pushed her hair behind her ear.

“Un-thanks, I guess,” Christen gave a half-hearted smile. 

“For the next eight months, if you need me, I'm here. If you have any questions, absolutely do not hesitate to call. We'll be doing some tests, all of which I'll tell you about before they happen. And I'm going to give you a prescription for prenatal vitamins. Do you have any questions for me?” Tobin spoke slowly and softly, allowing Christen to retain the information easily.

“What kind of questions?”

“I don’t know, I mean...concerns about your pregnancy? Do's and don'ts? Anything you're wondering about? Exercise, sex…” Tobin waited for Christen to speak, wanting to go at her pace.

“I don’t really do much of either of those things, so…” Christen shyly looked away. 

“Okay, how about diet concerns?”

“Not really. I mean just eat healthy, right?”

“Eat healthy, um, avoid certain cheeses, certain fish...no coffee or alcohol. The receptionist, she can give you a list of good and bad foods for your pregnancy, general do's and don'ts. And pamphlets, for other options, if you should want them,” Tobin said.

“Okay.” 

“And here’s your prescription for the prenatal vitamins. I’ll want to see you in 3 weeks.” Tobin handed the moved to the side so Christen could get past her on her way out of the door. “And...it was really nice to meet you Christen.” 

“It was nice to meet you too Dr. Heath,” Christen made for the door and stopped abruptly, turning and running straight into the hard body of Tobin, who was following her out of the exam room. Tobin’s arms shot out to steady her at her waist, and Christen inhaled sharply at the contact. They were stood so close, Christen could see intricacies of Tobin’s dazzling hazel eyes, rimmed with green. 

Christen shook herself from her stupor and cleared her throat. “I do have one question.” 

Tobin breathed out a chuckle. “Shoot.” 

“How pregnant am I?” 

“Uh…very? There’s only really one degree of pregnancy, so to speak-” 

“No, I meant, like, how far along am I?”

“Ohhh. About six weeks, give or take. Still really early.” 

_Yeah, that was definitely Earl getting me drunk that night, _Christen thought to herself._ Stupid red dress. Stupid drunk Christen, doing stupid things like sleeping with her husband. _

“So...was there anything else, or…” Tobin’s voice made Christen look up to realize she was still standing very close to her. Tobin sported a smug smirk, eyeing the pregnant woman before her. Christen felt a stirring deep in her belly, something distinctly different from anything related to her pregnancy. 

“No, no, that was um,” Christen blanched and stepped backward out of Dr. Heath’s personal space. “That was it. Thank you, Dr. Heath.” 

“Of course, Christen. Anytime.”

-=+=-

She wondered how long she’d feel like this. Waking up too early, day after day, before the dawn broke over her dead end town, where dreams came to die. Crawling out of bed, stepping out of the way of her husband’s crusty mess, to make breakfast for them and get ready. Her husband rousing himself from sleep to kiss her with his disgusting morning breath and wandering hands.

“Is it me or are your boobies getting bigger, baby? Might be time to lose some weight,” Earl nagged. Christen winced; he’d hit a sore spot. She had been an athlete in high school, and had never been made to feel adequate in her body. The physical changes that came with pregnancy were another thing she was dreading. Christen ignored Earl’s comment and continued preparing breakfast. 

He drove her to work like he did every day, but let her know she would have to catch the bus home because him and some buddies were going out to a local bar. She sighed and adjusted her uniform before walking into the diner. 

The day drew out incessantly. Her days had become a cycle of _would you like fries or onion rings with that, sir?, oh, we’re out of that, ma’am, I’m sorry, can I top you off?_ It was a practiced mask of false happiness at work, and a mask of complacent domesticity at home. There were rarely times of in-betweens, and she hardly had the time nor energy to think about who she was beneath the masks of the two women she pretended to be. She contemplated the idea while walking to the bus stop, soon collapsing onto the bench beside a figure who she hadn’t looked twice at. 

“Christen?”

She looked over and even in the dark of the night, she recognized the high cheekbones, the sharp jaw and of course, those eyes. “Oh, Dr. Heath! It’s nice to see you.” 

“Please, just call me Tobin,” she responded kindly. 

“What brings you here at this time of night?” 

“Oh, my car wouldn't start this morning...God knows why. Have to take the bus home,” Tobin explained. 

“Oh, where do you live?” Christen inquired.  
“Stanton Grove, just um. That way, I think,” Tobin pointed east. 

“It’s that way, actually,” Christen said, with a giggle, taking Tobin’s outstretched arm and moving it to point north.

“Oh, well. I’m new in town. Just moved here,” Tobin chuckled. Christen’s hand lingered on her arm for a little too long before she moved it. 

“From Jersey, right?” Christen asked.

“Yeah! You remembered.” 

“You mentioned it the other day, yeah,” Christen ran her fingers nervously through the ends of her hair. Why was she suddenly getting nervous? 

“So, you’re a waitress?” Tobin gestured to her blue uniform. 

“I’m a waitress,” Christen confirmed.

“Where do you work?” Tobin questioned. 

“Joe’s Diner, just off the freeway.”

“I’ve never been. Is it good?”

Christen laughed, a deep, belly laugh, at the earnest way Tobin asked. “No, not at all. But it’s homey, though. And some of my best friends are my coworkers.” 

“Hm,” Tobin crossed her arms. “I had a bad diner just around the corner from where I grew up. I had this huge crush on this waitress named Beatrice. I would come around every day after school just to see her.” 

_So she’s gay,_ Christen noted, nodding.

“She looked tragically cute in her uniform,” Tobin continued. “Actually, years later, I was doing my residency and she came in with an emergency ovarian cyst. I actually treated her. Well, she was at least in her mid-forties by then. Life does funny things like that sometimes.” 

“Yeah it does,” Christen agreed, hanging onto her every word.

“You want to hear something else kind of funny? When I look at you, sitting here in your uniform, you made me think of her. You kind of remind me of her when she was younger.”  
Christen blushed madly, color spreading into her cheeks and her chest filled with butterflies. What was she saying? That she was beautiful? Her mind ran at a million miles a minute. 

“I’ve made you uncomfortable, haven’t I? I shouldn’t have said that,” Tobin added after a minute, scratching the back of her neck. 

“No, no-it was a nice thing to hear. I just...nobody ever notices me in that way,” Christen tucked her hair behind her ear and tentatively met Tobin’s warm, inviting eyes. 

“Well, somebody noticed you that way...otherwise you wouldn't be in the condition you're in,” Tobin nodded to her stomach. 

“Oh, him? He's just my husband,” Christen shook her head, trying to ignore the way Tobin’s face fell at her words. “Oh, here's my bus.”

“Hey,” Tobin called after her as she got up from the bench. “Call me whenever you need me, Christen. I'm here for all your questions and concerns. And...whatever else.” 

“Thanks...Tobin,” Christen used her first name, and they shared a smile. 

Christen smiled all the way home, feeling higher than she had in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment or kudos to let me know what you think! i value your feedback!!! it keeps me going. 
> 
> chapter title from state of grace by taylor swift
> 
> also, did you catch the little character easter egg from the original musical in this chapter? ;)


	3. butterfly, you landed on my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an inconvenient sex dream causes christen some problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut warning! ;) i don't often write smut...in fact it's my 3rd time ever doing it. i'd love feedback. especially cause there's much more to come... ;) 
> 
> this is a bit of a short chapter... but the tone of the next chapter is so drastically different that i knew i had to divvy it up. next chapter soon. i'm updating as i write and im having soooo much fun with this. im literally obsessed with this fic and im writing it lol ive written 13 pages in 3 days 
> 
> enjoy!

Christen dreamt of butterflies. 

Hundreds and hundreds of butterflies, their outlined wings filled with thin tangerine sinew and split into stained-glass fractals. Tickling her bare skin with their gentle, tiny legs making gentle, tiny steps, ensconcing her with the dulcet, soft flapping of their gossamer wings. Christen was not afraid of this enshroudment; she felt safe in this time of butterflies. 

She felt the tickling sensation migrating south on her naked form, giggling in amusement. Her laughter stopped abruptly when the tickling reached her core, gasping as she felt it ghost between her legs. She felt herself keening upward, her lungs yearning for the air so suddenly taken from them. She closed her eyes, a moan escaping her lips involuntarily. 

Christen woke up, opening her eyes to find a head buried between her legs, sweetly nibbling at the inside of her thigh. Her hands instinctively gravitated lower down her body, gripping onto the golden brown head of soft hair and guiding it to where she desperately needed it. 

“_Fuck,_ Tobin,” she whimpered. “_Please._” 

Wait. _Tobin?_

She looked down in shock to find a pair of hazel eyes speckled with green and gold, latched intimately onto her own. Tobin watched her as she suckled ever so sweetly at the wetness between her legs. Her able tongue delved into every crevice she could find, eliciting a slew of obscenities from Christen as her eyes rolled back in pleasure. 

Two fingers entered her deftly, the natural lubrication from her arousal making their journey smooth and painless. Tobin curled her fingers inside of Christen, causing her to arch her back off of the bed and eliciting a gasp that quickly transformed into a euphoric smile from her pleasure. Tobin slid her fingers out of Christen, and Christen’s core missed their filling presence immediately. 

“_Look at me,_” Tobin demanded. Christen complied, and as their eyes found each other, Tobin’s fingers plunged back into her. Tobin kept thrusting inside of her, and soon added her tongue to her onslaught. It wasn’t long before Christen’s moans quickened and increased in pitch. 

“_I’m going to come,_” Christen said breathlessly. 

“_Come for me, baby._”

“Fuck!” Christen woke with a start, her heart pounding in her chest. She turned to see her husband snoring soundly in bed beside her, wholly oblivious to the wet dream his wife had experienced. 

She went through her morning routine flustered. She burned her toast and scrambled an egg she meant to fry. The dream had knocked her extremely off balance. Christen took great pride in being balanced, practicing yoga and meditating to clear her mind when necessary. She never, never was knocked clear off her feet. And yet, a simple dream had set her mind ablaze. She arrived at work later that morning to find Kelley wiping off tables absent-mindedly. 

“Hey, Chris! Sleep well?” Kelley asked.

“No. Yes, I mean, why wouldn’t I? Of course. Just, you know, a completely normal night. A normal dream. Yes, thank you,” Christen stammered out, blushing. 

“Okay…” Kelley said. “Weirdo.” 

It took a few seconds for it to click in Kelley’s brain. “Oh my god, Chris, you didn’t,” she whirled around. “Christen Press, you had a wet dream last night, didn’t you?” 

“Quiet down! Do you want everyone to think I’m some sort of… perverted person?” Christen blanched. 

“So, who is he? Not Earl, I’m guessing, judging by the way your ears are bright red,” Kelley smiled. She had made her dislike of Christen’s husband very clear since they had started dating, being one of Christen’s friends from all the way back in high school. She never had liked him.  
Christen stayed silent, turning away shyly. 

“No!” Kelley’s eyes widened. “Is it a _she_?” 

Kelley was one of the first people she had come out to as bisexual, because Kelley had never shied away from her own sexuality. She was so open and never made it a big deal, and she was one of the reasons why Christen decided to come out of the closet. 

“Who is she? Do I know her? Is she gay? How did you meet?” Kelley pressed her. 

“Ladies! May I remind you, that you’re on the clock. We open in 10,” Carli’s voice interrupted them. 

“Don’t think you’re getting off that easily. Though it sounds like you did last night,” Kelley winked and Christen slapped her shoulder as they busied themselves.

Christen was able to evade Kelley’s line of questioning until they got off work that night, and as they waited for Earl to pick her up from work, she started firing questions at her again. 

“So?” Kelley waggled her eyebrows. 

“So what?” Christen asked, faking obliviousness. 

“So...who is she?” Kelley pressed further. 

“Who is who?” 

“The woman in your wet dream, silly,” Kelley said, much too loudly for the nature of the conversation. 

“Shut up, Kelley!” Christen urged her. 

“So who is she?” Kelley asked, quieter this time. 

“Just...someone I met at the bus stop the other day. I’d never seen her before, and I don’t think I’ll see her again,” Christen lied through her teeth. 

“Okay…” Kelley said. “What was her name?” 

“I don’t remember, something with a ‘t’ I think, like... Tony or something,” Christen kept up the pretense out of shame more than anything. There was no way in hell she could tell Kelley that she had had a wet dream about her OBGYN. Even thinking about it was shameful. There was no way any of her thoughts about Tobin, no matter how dirty, would ever leave the confines of her own mind.

“Okay…” Kelley said. “Well, maybe you’ll see each other again, sometime.” 

Christen sensed she was going to drop it and silently thanked whatever higher power was out there for saving her from such embarrassment. Earl pulled up moments later, securing her exit from the conversation. She climbed in beside her husband, feeling guilty about her lust for another.

Christen knew the next 2 weeks until her next appointment were going to be hell to pay if today and last night were any indication.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave kudos and/or a comment to let me know what you think! i love and value your feedback!!!
> 
> chapter title from butterfly by jason mraz, which was what i was listening to the entire time i was writing this chapter. 
> 
> fun fact about the writer: my first ever concert was a jason mraz concert, and he was also dr. pomatter (the character role of tobin in this fic) when i saw waitress on broadway! full circle, i guess.


	4. we knew there would be history between us two

The next weeks passed with recurring sex dreams, and a certain slender brunette doctor even managed to creep into her thoughts during the day. Christen couldn’t stop thinking about her gorgeous eyes and her charming smile during the daytime, and at night she couldn’t stop thinking about her tongue, her skilled hands. 

It was most inconvenient, considering she was married and pregnant. She didn’t even know if Tobin was single, and even if she was...she was still married and still pregnant. 

A few days before her next appointment-which she had anxiously been counting down toward- Earl cornered her in the morning, when she asked his help in getting into her uniform, which had been getting tight as of late. 

“You know, baby, you really do need to lose weight. As much as I love that your boobies and your ass-” he slapped her rear, “are getting bigger, it’s starting to go to your stomach, which isn’t a good look.” 

“Earl, I need to tell you something,” Christen turned on her heel to face her thickheaded husband. “I’m pregnant. It’s...it’s yours.” 

Earl was silent, for once in his useless life. He proceeded to wordlessly go to the closet, where he dug out an inconspicuous brown bag from the corner, holding it gingerly. 

“I had hoped to use this for a new car, but now…” he shook his head. 

“It’s money I saved up, cent by cent, over the years. Take it and...take care of that,” he gestured to her stomach. “Get rid of it. You know we can’t afford it.” 

He handed the heavy bag of coins and small bills to her and turned to walk out to the kitchen. 

Christen was barely cognizant as she crumpled onto their bed. She felt her chest tighten and knew the tears weren’t far behind. She let her hands grip into the cheap bedsheets that lined their bed; sometimes it felt like the only thing that kept their marriage together. The bed that they slept in every night, the bed they’d bought together and conceived their child in. There was a history in these sheets. 

She had loved Earl once. Once, he was a man worthy of love. She had loved him in high school, when an aura of youthful vigor wreathed him. She had loved the way his soft brown hair curled up at the nape of his strong neck, loved the lilt of his gruff voice when he called her “baby,” loved how he drove her to groves of autumn trees in his old pickup truck and kissed her something fierce. She had loved him so, the Earl who held her close to his bare chest after they made love-because truly, it was love that they made. She didn’t regret the Earl she married, his eyes so loving and eager that made her easily and confidently say “I do.” Christen was certain of him, because it was magical, what they had then. 

That magic wasn’t there anymore. 

The distance between them in their marriage bed grew farther and farther until it seemed like one or both of them would fall off; they drifted out of each other gradually. It was never malicious. Christen and Earl simply had run their course. She contemplated their marriage through her blurry eyes, crying silently-a practice she’d mastered over the years. She watched, as if a silent observer in her own mind, as her tears hit the rug beneath her and were absorbed into the soft white fluff below. 

Suddenly, she knew what do, what she had always done, what her mother had taught her. She grabbed her yoga mat and rolled it out, settling her body into a lotus position, and breathed.

She breathed down into the earth below her, the earth that supported her, the earth who had never miscarried her. She breathed up to the sky, the vast void and its endless loose ends. She breathed out to the lonely mountains and to the shadow-laden forests. She breathed to her mother, who had given her the very veins that fed her heart, and to the dawning life that grew in her cavernous belly. And so she was at peace, within this breath.

-=+=-

Ali was the first one to notice. She saw Christen’s red eyes, the determined point of her very nose, and knew she was falling apart. She approached her during an ebb during the day, and touched her arm lightly.

“Hey,” she began. “Rough morning?”

“You could say that,” Christen said, a humorless laugh escaping her lips. Ali’s eyes were filled with genuine concern, and unlike Kelley, she didn’t push Christen. She allowed for her to divulge her information at her own pace. 

“I…” Christen trailed off, and Ali rubbed her arm soothingly. “Earl told me to get rid of it.” 

Ali’s eyes widened, but quickly settled. Christen loved this about Ali-nothing shook her, not really. She was so kind and unwavering. “So are you…” 

“No! Well… I don’t know, now,” Christen answered truthfully. 

Ali looked around to see if Carli was watching and upon seeing the coast was clear, she wrapped her arms around her friend. The simple concept of being in someone’s loving, accepting arms almost brought Christen to tears again. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been held, truly held, by someone she loved. 

“You don’t have to decide now, hon. You have time. And you have me and Kells, for whatever you need,” Ali said into her ear, rubbing her back. 

“Thank you,” Christen said honestly, holding back tears. Ali pulled back. 

“You know what? Let us take you out. Tonight. The National, for some pool and a girl’s night, just us, we’ll just chat and take your mind off it all, huh? Like old times. ” 

“Actually, that sounds really great,” Christen managed a smile.

“Great! Call Earl and tell him we’ll take you home, or you can stay the night with one of us,” Ali offered. 

“I will,” Christen grinned, glad to finally have something to look forward to.

-=+=-

Kelley and Ali didn’t drink with her in solidarity, and minus the lack of alcohol, it felt like old times. When Kelley and Christen had first started working at the diner, they met Ali, and for the next few weeks, they would go out almost every night after work. They gossiped, about Ali’s crush on the bartender, Ashlyn, and Kelley’s escapades with various women. Christen and Earl had been an item for a long time already, and it seemed they were a set piece. They had fallen out of the tradition as time went on, still making time twice or three times a month for a girl’s night, which now included Ashlyn, who was now Ali’s wife, when she wasn’t working. Kelley had been dating a gorgeous crystal blue-eyed brunette named Alex for a few months now, and she sometimes came. Earl never had.

Kelley was beating her terribly at pool when she looked up and saw her. She was at the bar, her effortlessly shiny hair tucked neatly behind her ear, her profile defined by a strong jawline that moved when she took a sip of her whiskey. 

Tobin. 

“Chris?” Kelley asked.

“Yeah?” Christen busied herself with her cue. 

“You want to tell me why the living embodiment of sex is staring at you from the bar like she wants to take you on this pool table?” Kelley asked, her eyebrows pointed. Christen was sent into a coughing fit, causing Kelley and Ali to laugh uncontrollably. 

“She’s my new doctor. We hit it off and she’s just a really cool person. Just a friend,” Christen explained, trying to stay calm despite her reddening cheeks. 

“I don’t think anyone can be ‘just friends’ with someone that hot,” Ali cut in. 

“Guys! Seriously. We’re cool,” Christen ran her fingers through the end of her hair. 

“What’s with ‘cool?’ Since when do you, Christen Press, use the word ‘cool?’” Kelley asked. 

“Since Tobin,” Christen said. 

“_Tobin?_” Ali and Kelley said at the same time. Christen shushed them, fearing Tobin would overhear. 

“First-name basis, huh?” Ali teased. 

“Like I said, we really hit it off,” Christen explained. 

“So are you gonna go over and relieve her eyes from staring at you so intensely from afar, or are you gonna stay here and talk to us boring non-hot doctors?” Kelley said. Christen rolled her eyes. 

“I’ll be back in a few.” 

Christen watched Tobin watch her, raking her eyes blatantly up and down her form. Christen blushed and ran her fingers through the ends of her hair nervously.

“Hi,” Christen started. 

“Hey, Christen,” Tobin responded. “What brings you out here tonight?” 

“Rough day. The girls wanted to take me out to get my mind off of it,” Christen said, leaving it somewhat vague. 

“Same. My girlfriend just broke up with me and so now I’m here,” she gestured to her drink, “drowning my sorrows.” 

“Sorry to hear that,” Christen said, and she couldn’t help but feel a twinge of joy at the news. 

“It’s alright. We’ll probably get together again soon. It’s um...complicated,” Tobin explained. Christen stayed silent. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this. I guess I just...feel really comfortable around you. I can’t explain it.” 

“I feel the exact same way,” Christen assured her. 

A silence followed for a few moments, and they just stared at each other. Christen’s breath hitched in her chest under Tobin’s gaze, so much more intense than in her dreams. Tobin’s stare drifted to her lips, to her chest, and back up to her lips. She was being deliberate and blatant, and Christen knew it wasn’t due to the alcohol. Christen herself couldn’t help but let her eyes rest on the strong collarbones that peeked out of Tobin’s shirt, the veins in her hands and her jawline. Finally, their eyes came to rest on each other, a silent understanding. 

Christen blamed the pregnancy hormones for what happened next. 

“Do you want to get out of here?” 

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of a cliffhanger to keep y'all hooked ;)
> 
> leave kudos and/or a comment to let me know what you think!!! i value your opinions!!
> 
> chapter title from there's no way by lauv and julia michaels


	5. a pretty good bad idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i chickened out of the full-on smut...but smut ahead ;) 
> 
> happy belated birthday, miss christen ;)

“Do you want to get out of here?” 

“Yes.” 

“Let me get me say bye to my friends, then,” Christen said coolly. “Don’t go anywhere.” 

“Nowhere to go,” Tobin assured her with a smile. “Without you.” 

Christen backed away, her eyes lingering on Tobin’s before turning and walking to where Kelley and Ali stood, clearly having been watching their exchange.

“Were you...watching us?” Christen asked. 

“Maybe,” Kelley answered, grinning widely. Christen rolled her eyes. 

She pushed her hair behind her ear and ran her fingers absently through it, nervous for the imminent conversation. What was the protocol for telling one’s friends they were ditching them to have an extramarital affair with their hot doctor? There wasn’t exactly a handbook on this. 

“Hey, so.. um...” Christen struggled with their phrasing. “I’m not feeling too hot, so I think I’m gonna head out. Tobin offered to drive, so...”

“Okay…” Kelley narrowed her eyes. Christen avoided her gaze, knowing she would give herself away if she met Kelley’s eyes. Kelley knew her better than anyone else in the world, having known her longest. Lying to her was impossible, but telling her the truth was equally as hard. Ali, bless her heart, believed her.

“Oh my, are you okay? I can drive you, I invited you out here. Here just let me get my keys,” Ali reached for her purse. 

“No, no, it’s fine, I’m on the way for her,” Christen said. 

“Oh… well, okay,” Ali conceded. 

“I had a lot of fun tonight, you guys. Thanks for everything,” Christen said honestly. 

“Feel better!” Ali said as Christen turned to walk away. Christen tried her best to avoid Kelley’s gaze. 

Christen met Tobin outside the bar, and they silently walked to her car. Christen climbed into the passenger’s seat of Tobin’s Tesla.

_So she’s rich,_ Christen noted. This wasn’t surprising, after all she was a doctor. But she didn’t think doctors in the distant suburbs of a big city like Los Angeles would make money enough to own a clean, polished Tesla. She must have come from money. 

Tobin pulled out of the parking lot, knowing their destination would be her place rather than Christen’s shared home with her husband. Christen was glad she didn’t have to explain that to her; she didn’t think she could handle that sort of awkwardness.

The awkwardness was seemingly inescapable anyway, as neither of them were particularly eager to break the thick silence that hung between them. They knew what was about to happen, they knew the circumstances they were choosing to ignore to go forward with this...whatever it was. An affair? A relationship? A hookup? A one-night stand? Christen didn’t have an answer, and it scared her and excited her at the same time. 

“Want some music?” Tobin asked, passively. She didn’t seem nervous at all, driving one handed and leaning back into the plush leather of the driver’s seat. 

“Sure,” Christen replied. 

“Here,” Tobin handed her her phone. “Password is Shirley, that’s my girlfriend-well, ex’s name. I have Apple Music and Spotify Premium, so you can use whatever.” 

Christen tried to ignore the implications of the sentence and put on one of the premade playlists on Spotify to have something, anything, to fill this arduous silence. It’s not like she didn’t expect Tobin to not have a sexual/romantic history. Hell, she was _married._

The air was thick with the scum of the transgression they were committing, and it flooded Christen with nerves. She combed her fingers through the ends of her hair, focusing on the road. 

“Nice night,” Christen said, awkwardly. Tobin laughed, a deep, throaty laugh that Christen couldn’t help but smile at. 

“What?” Christen asked. 

“You talk when you’re nervous,” Tobin explained, a grin still on her face. “It’s cute.” 

“What, and you aren’t?” Christen asked. “Nervous?”

“No, I am,” Tobin kept her eyes set on the road. “You terrify me, Christen Press.” 

“Wh-why?” Christen asked, flabbergasted. Tobin glanced at her for a second and turned back to the road, simply shaking her head.

Tobin pulled into the driveway of a medium-sized mid-century modern house. It was single story, with a clean, minimalist look defined by wood and white stone, complemented with black accents. The floor to ceiling glass windows showed a clean, modern interior, chic yet comfortable. It was so _Tobin._

Tobin led them inside, and Christen marveled at the beauty of the space. She felt out of place, being so accustomed to her crusty house that reeked of cheap beer and disillusionment. She was scared of corrupting this house; she didn’t feel like she could touch any inch of it without fear of ruining it. 

“Uh, the bedroom’s this way,” Tobin announced, disrupting Christen’s admiration of the splendor of the house. Christen followed her at a distance as they went further into the house.  
They came to an open door, and this room was messier than the rest. Papers strewn on a desk, a few odd clothes on the floor, a white lab coat strewn on the bed along with a messenger bag and an athletic bag. Tobin cleared them away. 

“Sorry,” Tobin said. “I wasn’t expecting...um...people.” 

“It’s fine,” Christen assured her. “You have a really beautiful hom-” 

Tobin’s lips stopped her in the middle of her sentence, crashing into hers much too fast, knocking their noses together. She pushed them back into the wall of her bedroom She broke away, looking to Christen for approval. Christen answered with another kiss, gentler this time, and brought her hand up to Tobin’s face. Tobin’s hands went to her waist, dragging her hips closer. 

“I’ve been wanting to do that for so long,” Tobin murmured. “Since the first day we met.”

“Me too,” Christen replied, breathlessly. 

“I also wanted to do this,” Tobin put her hand on her neck and lifted her jaw up before moving in and kissing her throat and migrating to her collarbone. Christen closed her eyes and felt her breasts being caressed. Suddenly, Tobin bit down into the crease of her clavicle and Christen gasped in surprise. Tobin looked up, giving her a shit-eating smirk. 

“And this,” Tobin suddenly sank to her knees. She undid the buttons of Christen’s jeans, tugging them down her legs. Christen finished the job by kicking them off and away, and winced when she saw that she was wearing underwear she’d had since high school. Tobin didn’t seem to mind in the slightest, kissing her just below her belly button softly before pulling her underwear down as well. Christen kicked them away and took off her shirt. Tobin gazed at up her nearly-naked form from her position on her knees and licked her lips before lifting Christen’s leg to put on her shoulder. 

Christen’s head lolled back against the wall behind her as Tobin let her tongue spell out her lust, gripping tight to Christen’s hips as she began to ride her face. Taking it slow was not an option. She needed her touch everywhere, and she needed it now. 

“This is such a bad idea,” Christen blurted out. The head between her legs tore itself away, and Tobin looked up at her earnestly. 

“Do you want me to stop?” Tobin asked. Christen looked down at her, her darkened eyes, her tousled hair, her face wet from Christen’s arousal. A sight that Christen would risk it all for, again and again and again. 

“Oh god, no,” Christen said, pushing her head back to where she wanted her most.

-=+=- 

They laid on the bed many orgasms later and delightfully sore, a safe distance apart, both staring up at the ceiling. They were both loosely aware of the fact that the other was awake, but were silent.

“That was really good,” Christen finally spoke. Tobin laughed her genuine, throaty laugh again. 

“Yeah,” Tobin said, chuckling. “Yeah, it was.” 

“Better than my dreams,” Christen said. 

“You dreamt about-about me? About us?” Tobin asked. 

“Yeah.” 

“Me too.” 

They fell silent again, the sound of crickets and their synchronized breaths the only sounds that permeated the space. 

“I don’t-I don’t do stuff like this. Not with my patients, ever,” Tobin mused aloud. 

“And I don’t cheat on my husband, ever,” Christen agreed. “I’ve never even...had sex with anyone but him.” 

“Really?” Tobin said, surprised. 

“We’ve been together since high school. He was my first boyfriend, and then...we got married not long after.” 

“Wow, that’s-that’s a long time,” Tobin remarked. 

“Yeah. He told me he was enlisting, and he wanted to get married, and I was so young and naive and I thought we would last forever, so I said yes,” Christen said honestly. 

“Is he still in the service?” Tobin asked.

“He was honorably discharged after a bullet in the back of his left leg rendered him incapable of active duty,” Christen explained. “He didn’t finish the first year of his tour. He was devastated, and injured, and angry. He was so angry. He couldn’t work, he didn’t have a college education or the money to go get one. So I let him be angry, and I let myself be the object of his anger, because I loved him. I dropped out of college to support us, but I really only made the money to fuel his alcoholism.” 

Tobin was quiet, rendered speechless by her story.

“I’ve never told anyone that,” Christen said. She felt tears starting to form on her cheeks. “Sorry for unloading onto you.” 

Tobin was still quiet, so much so that Christen thought she had fallen asleep. 

“Tobin?” 

“I came here after my girlfriend cheated on me with one of my best friends,” Tobin began. “She begged me to forgive her, and I did, because I love her. We’ve always run hot and cold, me and her. I told her I would only be here for a little while, to clear my head. She called me to break up with me tonight, but I know she’ll call me when she’s drunk in a few days and want to get back together. It’s how she is.” 

“I don’t know what I’ll say. I think I’m just worried I’m going to say yes,” Tobin added. “Sorry, I know that’s nothing near your story, but I wanted to share something personal. Take it as a gesture of good will.” 

It was Christen’s turn to be quiet, rendered speechless by Tobin’s story. 

“Hey Tobin?” 

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?” 

“Shoot.” 

“How old are you?” 

Tobin laughed again at Christen’s question in the midst of the weight of the moment, and turned on her side to face her in the bed. Christen turned on her side to mirror her movement. 

“I’m 29,” Tobin said with a grin. Even in the dark, Christen could see her eyes wrinkling at the edges, her bright smile. “You?”

“I’m 26,” Christen answered. “Is that alright?”

“Yeah,” Tobin chuckled. “It’s alright.”  
“Hey Christen?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want me to refer you to another doctor?”

“No” Christen said, after a pause. “I don’t think I could trust or like anyone else.”

“Cool,” Tobin said.

“Cool.” Christen confirmed. Tobin smiled and turned back over. Christen watched her prop a hand behind her head and stifle a yawn. 

“Goodnight, Christen.”

“Goodnight, Tobin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment or kudos to let me know what you think! i value your opinions!!
> 
> chapter title from bad idea from the waitress musical (tbh, the song that inspired this fic)


	6. the tension, it's getting hotter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut ahead ;) 
> 
> happy new year..and decade!

Christen’s alarm sounded from her phone on the bedside table and she really, _really_ did not want to get it. Reason being she was ensconced in a warm haven of duvet, blankets, and tanned skin. A memory of the middle of the night began to seep into her awakening brain-a memory of a mutual craving. They both craved each other’s skin to hold and hold until they forgot the pain that had taken residence in their bodies, and by extension, their souls. 

“Christen,” Tobin groaned, growing annoyed at the beeping sound. 

“No,” Christen replied, snuggling further into Tobin’s bare chest. 

“We gotta get up,” Tobin drawled out into the dark morning air. The sun hadn’t yet begun its ascent, but the sky was a few shades lighter than the stark darkness of night.

“Or we could stay here,” Christen said, pressing a kiss to Tobin’s sternum, “and go for round 2.”

“Round 2? I think we went at least 3 rounds last night,” Tobin replied with a shit-eating smirk. 

“Round 4 then,” Christen kept kissing Tobin’s sternum, shifting down so she could kiss down Tobin’s defined abdomen. 

“Christen, if I don’t get up now, I’m never leaving,” Tobin said, placing a hand on the pregnant woman’s back to stop her. 

“Fine,” Christen whined, looking up at Tobin from low on her stomach. Tobin reached down and began to caress Christen’s hair. They stared at each other in the lowlight of morning, soaking in the ephemeral, candid moment they found themselves in. 

“Shower?” Tobin suggested, finally.

“Yes,” Christen said, breathlessly. 

Tobin tossed the covers back and led them both across the hallway to the bathroom. Christen allowed herself to be taken aback yet again by the grandeur of Tobin’s house, such in contrast to the humble way the doctor presented herself. The bathroom was massive, with a walk-in shower and a massive basin-like tub. 

“You coming?” Tobin was already in the shower while Christen was still in awe of the size of the room. Christen scurried in after her, closing the glass shower door behind her.

Tobin was standing directly underneath the showerhead, craning her neck upward to let the water trickle down the planes of her glorious form. Christen licked her lips at the sight and moved to plant her lips on Tobin’s exposed neck, feeling the water begin to dampen her hair. They explored each other through touch alone, eyes closed, mouths and fingers slick and wandering. 

Wandering hands eventually found Christen’s ass, a part of her body she was beginning to notice utterly captivated Tobin’s attention. Christen suddenly found herself pressed flush against the cold marble wall of the shower, a strangely satisfying contrast to the warm water that flowed from the showerhead, and the hot, eager mouth that had latched itself onto her nipple. Tobin made to kiss her way further down Christen’s body when she stopped her. 

“Nuh uh,” Christen brought Tobin up to her level with a finger under her chin. In a single, swift movement, Christen switched their positions so Tobin’s slender figure was pressed exactly where she was just a moment ago. 

“My turn,” Christen whispered, barely loud enough over the sound of rushing water. She leaned in and gently bit the skin under Tobin’s ear, eliciting a gasp of surprised pain from her. Christen pulled back and witnessed the shock on Tobin’s face, and decided she enjoyed taking the confident, self-assured doctor by surprise. 

Christen’s lips danced down Tobin’s chest until she felt her knees hit the floor beneath her. She swung one of Tobin’s legs up and over her shoulder, mirroring the position Tobin had her in last night. She bit into the soft skin of Tobin’s inner thigh and Tobin hissed out a curse in response. 

She dug her fingers into the firm muscle of Tobin’s leg as she moved closer to run her tongue over Tobin’s wet cunt. Water cascaded down her hair and back as she closed her mouth over Tobin’s clit, sucking lightly. She wove her tongue in and out of Tobin’s folds, suddenly slipping in two fingers. Tobin’s hips stilled at the sudden addition, and she heard her moan somewhere above her. She began to move her fingers, and slowly started thrusting in and out of her. Christen added more stimulation to the mix by means of her tongue, which found Tobin’s clit and elicited breathless, husky moans from her. 

“_Fuck!_” Tobin cried out into the steam, her hand shooting out to reach the glass wall beside her. Her other hand tangled itself in the dark, wet locks of the head between her legs. “Just like that, just like that...fuck me.” 

Tobin’s breaths accelerated in frequency as Christen’s fingers fucked into her harder and faster. It wasn’t long before Tobin’s legs trembled and her high pitched, panting moans sounded deliciously in Christen’s ears. 

Christen was ready to keep going but Tobin placed a hand on her back. “I think if I do that again, I won’t be able to stand at work again today. Besides, as much as I love getting dirty like that, we should also probably actually get clean.” 

Christen stood and kissed Tobin again, the water streaming down both of their faces. Christen finally broke away and reached for the body wash. “Get my back?” 

A few minutes later they sat at the kitchen table eating cereal, Tobin not having bought groceries in God-knows-how-long, and it felt...strange. Christen winced at how this made sense, wearing Tobin’s shirt, sitting at Tobin’s table, the morning after mind-blowing sex with Tobin. She could get used to this. 

It terrified her. 

-=+=-

Christen had Tobin drop her off a block away from her house, a harsh and solemn reminder of the infidelity they were committing. She sighed and opened her house, expecting the worst. Then she heard Earl’s loud snoring all the way from the bedroom and knew he probably hadn’t noticed at all. 

She did some yoga to clear her mind and cooked breakfast for Earl, and like always, he woke and wandered out of the bedroom at the smell of food. 

“You got home late,” he mentioned casually. 

“Yeah,” Christen replied. She hoped he wouldn’t push it further. She wasn’t a very good liar, and 

“Did you have fun with uh...what’s-her-name?” he asked, reaching up to scratch the patchy scruff on his jaw. 

“What?” Christen whirled around at his question. 

“Ali. You went out with her, right?” 

“Oh, yeah. Kelley, too,” Christen mentioned, suppressing the panic that had risen in her chest.

“Hmph,” Earl grunted, and took the eggs and bacon Christen plated for him, and walked away to stuff his face.

_Well, that was easy,_ Christen thought.

-=+=-

“Do you feel better?” Ali asked as soon as she set eyes on Christen at the diner.

“Oh yeah, I’m sure _Dr. Tobin_ made Christen feel a lot better last night,” Kelley piped in from behind her. Christen turned around, jaw agape, to see her best friend facing her with her arms crossed. Her expression was unreadable.

“Can I talk to you? Outside?” Christen asked in a tight, strained voice. Kelley led them out the back entrance and they stood facing each other. 

“What is wrong with you?” Christen said.

“What’s wrong with me? The fact that you left girls’ night to cheat on your husband with your fucking doctor!” 

“You don’t even like him!”

“Hell yeah I don’t like him! He steps all over you and is just a dick in general. I never liked him, not in high school, not now, but this? Cheating? It isn’t like you, Chris,” Kelley said. 

Christen looked out at the sky and down to the asphalt below their shoes. “I don’t know what it is about her, Kels. It’s like I can’t help myself around her.” 

“Is she the one you dreamt about the other day?” 

Christen nodded. “She’s so sweet, and smart, and rich, apparently, and the _things_ she does with her _tongue-_” 

“Okay, okay, I get the picture. I don’t need the dirty details. Literally,” Kelley held her hands out to stop Christen’s words. They both were silent for a few seconds before Kelley spoke again.

“Listen, you’re an adult, Chris. You make your own decisions, and I’ll support you, always. I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Kelley explained. Christen softened at her words and wrapped her arms around her best friend, pulling her close. 

“I won’t. She wouldn’t hurt me. And if I do, you can say I told you so, and I know you love to do that,” Christen said softly. 

“That I do,” Kelley chuckled, holding Christen close. “You know I love you, right? Just be careful, Pressy.” 

“I will. Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave me a comment/kudos to let me know what you think! i value your feedback!!!
> 
> chapter title from doin' time by lana del rey...which was what i was listening to when writing the smut.


	7. just breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was tough going, and it shows. i've had the flu, which wound me in the emergency room cause of complications, and am generally not vibing. i wanted to push this chapter out for y'all and keep y'all nice and fed. better chapter coming soon, promise

Christen hadn’t seen Tobin since their tryst two days ago, nor had she heard from her either. She didn’t know what to expect, honestly. She didn’t have much-or any- experience with relationships. She knew, at least, that it was much too early to define their relationship-if there was one at all. Tobin hadn’t communicated anything but neither had she. She didn’t even know if she wanted a relationship, or if it was just sex; if it was a one-time thing, or if it would be a recurring event. She didn’t know what it meant for her marriage, or for her future, or her pregnancy. She was so full of questions, and the only answer she was sure of was that she wanted Tobin. She wanted Tobin’s bronzed skin that rested so easily against her own, her wide, intractable hazel eyes, her deft and unerring tongue. 

She couldn’t stop thinking about her, and the thought of seeing her at their appointment today was lucrative and terrifying to her simultaneously. She meandered throughout her morning routine with butterflies fluttering deep in her belly. 

Christen took the bus again to the clinic, not having told Earl that she wasn’t getting an abortion. There were worse things than the bus system, like deadbeat, drunkard husbands. 

“10:30, for Tob-I mean, um, Dr. Heath,” Christen blushed madly in front of the receptionist, who was absolutely unfazed. 

Soon, she was brought into an exam room and her vitals taken. The heart rate monitor was the first to expose how fast her heart was beating. Christen wondered if maybe she should have asked to be referred to another doctor. At least, her vitals would be more accurate. 

“The doctor will be in shortly,” the nurse said, kind but detached. 

Christen’s head swam, drowning in a tsunami of anticipation. Her mind ran rampant with the what ifs and possibilities the next few minutes would hold. She bunched the paper of the examination table under her knuckles, and breathed out. She let her breath ground her, bringing her to the mental equilibrium she found special comfort in.

Just then, the door swung open, with force, and Christen found herself face to face with the object of her latent thoughts and dreams. 

Tobin. 

They stared at each other for much too long before Tobin let the door shut behind her, standing a good distance away. She smiled her big, crinkled smile and Christen suddenly couldn’t remember why she’d ever been nervous. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Christen replied, with a smile. 

“How are you?” Tobin asked tentatively. 

“Good, yeah. I woke up to a little bit of spotting this morning, but that’s normal right?” Christen said.

“Yeah, very normal for your first trimester. No pain? Swelling? Headaches?” Tobin asked, gazing intently at her clipboard as if . 

“Just my husband,” Christen joked, speaking before she could think it through. Her face dropped with the realization of what she’d said, and more importantly, _who_ she’d said it to. Tobin’s eyes widened and she nodded slowly, standing awkwardly across from Christen. 

“Sorry,” she added, not looking at Tobin. Tobin cleared her throat and continued asking questions. 

The rest of the appointment was remarkably professional, if not slightly awkward by the recent tryst that loomed over their heads like a stratus cloud. Tobin asked to see her back in 3-4 weeks unless of any emergency. 

“When will I have my first ultrasound?” Christen asked. 

“Next time,” Tobin assured her. 

“Will I be able to know the sex then?” Christen asked. 

“No, we won’t be able to determine the sex until around 16-20 weeks,” Tobin answered. “Any other questions for me?”

“Can I get your number?” Christen blurted out, much too loud and too fast. She had wanted to ask when Tobin dropped her off, but had been too afraid to make presumptions so soon. Tobin let out a breathy chuckle, a smile spreading upon her face. 

“Yes,” Tobin grinned. “Yes you can. I’m glad you asked. Here, give me your phone, I’ll put my number in.” 

Christen fumbled around her purse for her phone, opened it, and handed it to her with shaky hands. Tobin took it and entered her number before handing it back. 

“Listen, I-” Tobin started.

“Tobin, I-” Christen said at the same time. They laughed awkwardly at their mishap, and Tobin gestured for Christen to go first. 

“I had a lot of fun the other night,” Christen started. 

“Me too,” Tobin said honestly.

“In the spirit of um...communication, I guess, I just wanted to know...um...your opinions on us? If...there is an us?” Christen asked, gingerly. She ran her hands through the ends of her hair nervously.

“Well, I just gave you my number, Christen,” Tobin smiled warmly. “Of course I’m interested in seeing you again.” 

“Oh,” Christen uttered softly, smiling in relief. 

Tobin leaned in and lowered her voice. “Between us, if I didn’t have another patient to get to right now… I’d take you right here. I’ve been thinking about it since we...since we...” 

Christen blushed furiously, but managed to speak. “Me too.”

Tobin smirked, but the smile fell from her face as her deep hazel eyes lightly fluttered down to Christen’s lips. Her expression was one of self-restraint. 

“I’d...I’d better get going,” Tobin ran her hand through her hair. “If I don’t go now, I won’t at all.” 

“I don’t think that’d be the worst thing in the world,” Christen said, suddenly emboldened by Tobin’s straightforwardness. 

Tobin shook her head with a chuckle and opened the door to leave. “It was really good to see you today, Christen.” 

“You too,” Christen replied, with a smile. 

“I’ll hear from you soon, yeah?” Tobin said, backing out of the room. 

“Is that doctor’s orders?” 

“Yes. Doctor’s orders,” Tobin said with a sultry wink.

-=+=-

Christen went home floating on a cloud, high off of the light in Tobin’s smile, the green that ringed her eyes. She carried the power to make the next move, 9 digits under the contact name Tobin ;). She had initially rolled her eyes when she saw the nickname, but in reality she found it quite endearing. She found her eyes kept flashing to the number. Was it too soon to use it? Would she seem desperate? 

Christen put her phone away, deciding to not make a decision just yet. She walked home from her bus station and found Earl sat in front of the TV watching a football match.

“Hey baby, could you get me a beer?” he said, not looking away from the screen. 

“It’s 11AM,” Christen replied.

“And?” Earl scoffed. Christen sighed and went to the fridge to take out a beer. After she’d handed it to him and went to walk away, he stopped her in her tracks with a pull at her waist. 

“Hey uh… I don’t mean to be pushy or nothin’ but did you...yknow…” Earl gestured with the beer bottle to her stomach. “Take care of it?” 

“I actually… decided I’m going to keep the baby,” Christen replied in a small voice. She crossed her arms over her abdomen defensively. 

“Yeah, right,” Earl said, letting out a humorless laugh. “You’re not serious, right? You know we can’t afford a baby. We’re not ready to be parents. You’re not ready to be a mom,” 

Christen winced at his words. “I am, actually. And I’ll remind you that it’s my body, so I get to make the decision.” 

“So I just don’t get a say?” 

“No.” Christen said forcefully, taking a stand. “Frankly, no, you don’t.” 

“Horseshit,” Earl threw his beer across the room, leaving an eruption of glass shards and foam in its wake. He stood up and stormed out of the house, grabbing his keys and jacket on the way. 

Christen stood frozen in place, paralyzed by the sudden outburst. Earl was not prone to displays of anger. He had never hit her-if he had, she would have left him long ago. 

She didn’t recognize the man he had become. There was not a point of no return, where they ceased being Christen and Earl, the happily married couple, and simply became Christen and Earl, the jaded, disparate individuals. They simply used to be good; now they just… were. 

Christen dried the tears that had formed upon the apples of her solemn cheeks and collected the mess he had created, wiping down the surface of the floor worn smooth by the years of carrying the weight of their marriage. 

She went into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed and pulled out her phone, staring at a single phone number for minutes. She wanted Tobin here, to hold her, to kiss her hurt till the scar tissue healed with her lips imprinted upon it. She wanted her healing hands, strong and sure, to cradle her belly, to keep safe the seed of a life growing inside her. 

Instead, Christen put down her phone and unrolled her yoga mat, and began to find healing within herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave me a comment or kudos please :) 
> 
> chapter title from breathe from the in the heights musical. unfortunately, this is something i currently cannot do, because i have the flu :/


	8. there is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

Christen had spent hours over the last week on her phone. Every time she opened it, she went to the same contact in her phone and tried to type out a text, but every time, without fail, she deleted it and turned it back off. She couldn’t find the words to reach her. 

She was behind the diner, a taking a break during lull before closing on a late-night shift, still staring at Tobin’s contact information. She shivered and wrapped her arms around herself, her tiny uniform providing next to nothing in protection against the chill of the night.

“Press. There’s someone asking about you,” Carli’s voice jutted out into the brisk night air. 

“My husband?” Christen sighed. He probably wanted money from her tips for today, even though they hadn’t had a real conversation since he blew up last week. 

“No. Go see for yourself.” Carli disappeared back inside without a word. 

Christen wrinkled her brow, wracking her brain for who would come to visit her at this time of night, in her place of work. She traveled through the kitchen and straightened her uniform, and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw who it was. 

Tobin. 

She looked like a mess. She was clad in a black hoodie and sweatpants, slouched over the table where she was sat with her head in her hands in her tangled hair. There were massive bags under her usually bright hazel eyes. And yet, she was still beautiful. She would always be beautiful. 

Christen willed her legs to move to Tobin’s side, pulling out a chair and sitting down across from her, making Tobin look up at her, revealing her red-rimmed eyes; she’d been crying. 

“Christen,” Tobin said breathlessly. 

“Hey,” Christen said gently, reaching across the table and pushing her mussed hair back behind her ear. When she went to pull away, Tobin reached up and caught Christen’s hand, leaning into the touch of her hand against her sharp cheekbone. 

“I just...I had to see you,” Tobin let their hands drop from her face but didn’t drop their intertwined hands. “Why...why didn’t you call?”

“I wanted to,” Christen said, rubbing the back of Tobin’s hand with her thumb. “I wanted to, but I couldn’t find the words.” 

Tobin nodded, her face expressionless as she processed. Tobin reached up with her free hand to rub her pained eyes. 

“I get off as soon as these last tables clear out. Shouldn’t be more than 20-30 minutes. Can you wait?” Christen asked. 

“Yes. I-I can wait. I’ll wait.” Tobin watched as Christen let go of their joined hands and walked back to the kitchen.

Half an hour later, Christen collected her things, and Tobin, and they walked to her car. They drove to Tobin’s house in silence, lightly holding hands over the console with a tentative sensitivity.

“Did you...uh… talk to your husband?” Tobin finally broke the silence. 

“Yeah, I texted him and told him I was going out with a friend,” Christen assured her. 

“Cool,” Tobin nodded, her jaw set. Her eyes were fixed on the road like she was trying to conjure something out of it. They continued in silence, viscous with tension. 

When they reached her house, Tobin went straight inside, leaving the door open behind her, expecting Christen to follow her. Christen trickled in slowly after her, closing the door to her house and looking around to see where she had gone. When she didn’t see her in the kitchen or living room she decided to try the bedroom. 

Sure enough, Tobin was perched on the edge of her bed, her head held in her hands. Her hair fell into her face, shrouded her like a veil. Christen approached gingerly, and sat a few inches away. 

“I’m sorry, I just…” Tobin started, her voice strained. “I didn’t want to see anyone else, I just wanted you. I can’t...I can’t stop thinking about you. I...” 

“Shh,” Christen hushed her as she began to cry. 

Christen leaned in close and moved Tobin’s chin with her hand so they could face each other. Tobin’s eyes swam with emotion, glistening like liquid glass in the moonlight that streamed in through the window. She was so beautiful, even now. Especially now. 

Christen leaned in slowly and connected their lips, cradling the weight of Tobin’s face in her hands. She tasted the salt and moisture from Tobin’s tears and let them dissolve into the tissue of her tongue as she kissed this hurt away, real slow. 

Tobin breathed in Christen, and let herself be held, let herself be kissed. She let herself be undressed and laid upon the bed. 

“Is this okay?” Christen asked, now fully naked as well, and straddling Tobin’s waist.

“Yes,” Tobin said, reaching up to hold Christen’s jaw, letting her fingertips whisper down the planes of her body with a delicate languidness. She took special pause when her fingers rested upon Christen’s slightly burgeoning belly. “I want this. I want you.” 

Tobin leaned up and held Christen close, her hands exploring the expanse of her back as her mouth found its way into the dip of her collarbone. Christen’s hands tangled in her hair. They were pressed flush against each other, hot skin on hot skin, but there was no friction. There was only the smooth ease they felt when they were together, like puzzle pieces. 

Tobin’s hand crept in between their bodies, and she looked up to the woman straddling her for approval. Upon consent, she found Christen’s entrance, already wet from foreplay, and slipped two fingers inside of her. Christen let out a gasp as she sunk down onto Tobin’s fingers. She began to move, meeting Tobin’s eyes as she fucked herself onto her over and over. 

Tobin leaned forward and captured Christen’s lips in a kiss, her tongue finding its way along her bottom lip. Christen moaned into her touch. She rode Tobin’s fingers until she unraveled, all their limbs tangled and their faces glistening from exhaustion. 

Tobin slipped outside of her and rested her head on Christen’s sternum. Christen leaned down and placed a soft kiss to her hair. 

They held each other the whole night, entwined limbs and tender minds exhausted from the toil of the night. 

-=+=-

Christen slinked home at 4AM, climbing into bed next to her snoring husband as if she hadn’t just spent time in the arms of another, feeling more held by her than she ever had by him. 

The trysts happened with increasing frequency since then: in the back of Tobin’s car outside of the diner, on Tobin’s couch, on Tobin’s kitchen counter, in Tobin’s spacious shower. Every time, Christen crept home at some obscene hour, to her crusty house and nasty husband. 

She was living a double life, in a way; the afternoons and evenings she spent in the haven of Tobin’s strong, steady arms, at the mercy of her skilled tongue. The mornings she spent with Earl, breakfast and driving to work, the toilsome remnants of their failing marriage. 

She regretted the lies-the ones she told herself and her husband, but she couldn’t bring herself to regret Tobin. She didn’t regret the way Tobin fucked her until her legs shook, nor did she regret the way Tobin held her in the aftershocks of orgasm with no ounce of selfishness, simply wanting her to have and to hold. She especially didn’t regret the conversations they had in the intimacy of Tobin’s space; Christen could live on the light in her eyes. 

It was two weeks before her next appointment, and while Tobin was masterful at temporarily proving a reprieve from her normal life, the morning sickness always brought her back to reality. Her morning sickness was something fierce- to the point where she felt like eating was a waste. While the doctor she slept with almost every other day assured her these symptoms were perfectly normal, she was eager to see her ultrasound, to have concrete evidence of her baby’s health. 

She found herself again in a familiar position: white-knuckling the table beneath her in the examination room, waiting for Tobin to see her. The nerves she had felt last time had transferred- last time she was petrified to see Tobin; this time, she was anxious about seeing the ultrasound of her baby. 

Tobin threw the door open, her signature infectious smile plastered on her face, which Christen returned in kind. 

“Hi,” Tobin said, moving in for a hug. Christen bunched her hands into the fabric of Tobin’s white labcoat, pulling her taut against her body. 

“Everything okay?” Tobin inquired, rubbing the length of her back soothingly. 

“Yeah, just missed you is all,” Christen lied, still holding her tight. 

“You saw me two days ago,” Tobin replied, smiling. 

“What, I’m not allowed to miss you after two days apart?” 

“No, not at all. In fact, I love it when you’re needy. Makes my job more fun,” Tobin pulled back and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. 

“Alright, first ultrasound today. You ready?” Tobin asked, sure to keep the excitement out of her voice since she knew Christen wasn’t excited about the pregnancy. 

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Christen wore a fake smile. 

Tobin busied herself with preparing the machine and instructed Christen to lie back and move her shirt up, letting her spread the gel on her own stomach. Tobin placed the transducer onto Christen’s belly and watched the screen intently. 

“How’s it looking, doc?” Christen spoke into the silence that settled between them. 

“Um,” Tobin moved the transducer to the left and furrowed her brow as she watched the screen. 

“Tobin?” Christen’s voice went high and her throat went dry, her mind flooding with negative possibilities. 

“Everything looks good, Chris,” Tobin turned to her with her big gentle eyes and smiled. 

“So my baby’s healthy?” Christen felt the relief wash over her. 

“Well, that’s the thing,” Tobin kept her gaze level. “You’ve got two little ones in there.”

Christen blanched, her eyes widening in disbelief. “_Twins?_” 

“Yeah. You see, here, and here? There they are, perfectly healthy and growing,” Tobin gestured to the screen and looked at Christen gingerly, not knowing how to react.

“Wow,” Christen breathed in deeply and leaned her head back to look up at the ceiling. 

“You alright?” Tobin asked, cleaning off the transducer and putting it down.

“Yeah,” Christen smiled to reassure her. “Just a shock, is all.” 

“It’s okay. We can figure this out,” Tobin reached for Christen’s hand and brought it to her lips. 

“Tobin, it’s not your problem. This is something I...have to handle alone.” Christen took back her hand and stood from the table, cleaning the gel off of her stomach. “So, 3-4 weeks?”

“Yeah,” Tobin said. Christen tried her hardest to ignore the defeat that had taken residence in her eyes. 

“Okay,” Christen made for the door. “See you.” 

“By-” Christen was outside before Tobin could finish her farewell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you'll find out why tobin was upset next chapter, i promise. 
> 
> leave kudos and/or a comment to let me know what you think! we're coming to the climax of this fic soon and i'm planning a sequel ; ) 
> 
> chapter title from take me to church by hozier. stream his entire discography for clear skin and good grades


	9. you matter to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut warning ahead, although tbh writing this smut was like pulling teeth for me. 
> 
> [SPOILER AND TRIGGER WARNING] 
> 
> tw: miscarriage (i'll tag it again as we get there)
> 
> ...im sorry...

Even when they were apart, Tobin was with her. When Christen slept, she dreamt of the veins in Tobin’s strong, steady hands, the way her voice was raspy when roused from slumber. When Christen wiped the crumbs and dregs off of a table, her wandering mind found the sudden jut of Tobin’s hipbone, the way her laugh rumbled her chest while they cuddled. It was inconvenient, considering she was trying exactly _not_ to think of her. 

They hadn’t addressed it, the elephant in the room of their torrid affair. The little touches and stolen looks, the inbetween moments where they weren’t preoccupied with each other’s bodies. Feelings were a fickle mistress, and Christen hadn’t avoided her clutches. What was worse was that she knew Tobin hadn’t either. 

She saw the way Tobin looked at her during their midnights and she knew. The way that she held her close and the way that they just _fit._ The way they made _sense_ made it all the more difficult. 

Two weeks had gone by arduously. Tobin’s increasingly worried texts had stopped coming after a week, and she hadn’t shown up at the diner like she did last time. And suddenly on a break after a 5 hour night shift, she couldn’t stand it anymore. 

“Chris?” Tobin answered the phone on the second ring. 

“Can...can you...can we talk?” Christen struggled with her words. 

“Yes,” Tobin breathed out, immediately. “Should I come pick you up?”

“My shift ends in 45,” Christen said. 

“I’ll be there,” Tobin assured her. 

“Okay. See you then.” 

\--

Christen clocked out and walked outside to find Tobin’s Tesla pulled into the parking spot right in front of the diner. Immediately, she found her eyes, Tobin giving her a reassuring half-smile in greeting. Tobin reached across the car to push the car door open for Christen to slide in. 

“Hi,” Tobin started, once Christen was inside the car. 

“Hey,” Christen gingerly greeted her. 

“Home?” Tobin asked. 

“Yeah,” Christen affirmed. 

Tobin pulled out of the parking space and handed Christen her phone to play music. Christen typed in _shirley._ The phone buzzed. _Incorrect Password._ She retyped the password, fearing a typo, to no avail. 

“Tobs?” Christen said. 

“Yeah?” 

“It’s telling me I have the wrong password.” 

“Oh, yeah. I changed it to _chris_ about a week and a half ago,” Tobin said nonchalantly, her gaze set on the road. 

“Oh,” Christen said in a small voice. She tried the new password, and sure enough, the phone opened. She felt something stir inside her, a feeling that scared her, and busied herself with choosing a song. 

_Daylight  
I wake up feeling like you won't play right  
I used to know, but now that shit don't feel right  
It made me put away my pride_

Tobin nodded her head absently to the beat. She rolled the windows down, letting the nightwind billow through her loose, soft tresses. Christen watched her, entranced by the way her hair whipped with the inconstant breeze, so disparate from the even, steely expression painted on her countenance. 

_Now don't you close your eyes  
How'd it get so scandalous?  
Oh, how'd it get so scandalous?_

Tobin whistled softly to the melody, one hand on the wheel. Christen reached over the console to push her windswept hair behind her ear, her ring finger lingering on her high cheekbone. Tobin’s free hand came up to keep her hand on her face, and she moved her head slightly to press a kiss into her palm. 

They arrived at Tobin’s house a few minutes later, entering in the same expectant yet comfortable silence that had settled over them in the car ride. 

“I’m gonna take out my contacts. I’ll be back in a sec,” Tobin made a beeline for the bathroom. 

Christen walked into the kitchen with an ease that comes only from familiarity. She checked the fridge to see it was empty, with week-old boxes of takeout, a half-eaten, rotting banana, and expired milk. She poured herself a glass of water before going to the spacious living room. She picked up a discarded hoodie of Tobin’s (that she had taken off of her in the heat of the moment, two and a half weeks ago) and put it on, comforted by the familiar smell. 

She settled criss-cross onto the suede L-shaped grey sofa, comfortable in the space in spite of the distance between herself and the woman who had returned and was settling herself a safe distance away on the couch. 

“You wanted to talk?” Tobin broached the silence. 

“I missed you,” Christen said. 

“I missed you, too,” Tobin returned, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. 

“No, you don’t understand. I really, _really_ missed you. I missed your big smile and your laugh and your eyes, and the way you hold me like...like he never has,” Christen started. “And it scared me, because I’m me and you’re you and I’m married and you’re my doctor and you’re in a relationship with a girl back home and I’m-”

“No.” Tobin cut her off, plainly. 

“Excuse me?” 

“I’m not in a relationship with a girl back home. That night, when I came to you in the diner, crying-she asked to try again, to try the long distance, and I...I said no. I had never said no to her before. I ended things with her. For good. Because I knew that I couldn’t...I couldn’t dedicate myself to her while I had feelings for someone else,” Tobin’s eyes never left her own. 

“Tobin-” 

“No, let me get this out. I’m not asking anything of you, for you to leave your husband, or anything. I’ll take all, or most, or some of you, for as long as you’ll let me. These last two weeks have been...so rough, without you. I never-I never planned on staying here, after running away from my troubles at home. This was just to clear my head. I never wanted to...I never planned to stay. And then I met you.” Tobin offered the words so humbly, so earnestly, without expecting anything in return. Her words hung in the air for a while. 

“Was this...were we a mistake?” Christen asked. 

“Do you regret us?” Tobin responded. 

“No,” Christen answered, without hesitation. “Not for a second.” 

“Then, no.” 

“You make it sound so simple,” Christen forced a chuckle. 

“It is, Chris. It’s that simple. You just have to let it be,” Tobin bridged the distance between them and interlaced their fingers. 

“But I’m married, and pregnant, and you-” Christen began. 

“Hey, look at me. Look at me.” Tobin waited for Christen’s watery eyes to meet her own. 

“This-” Tobin moved her thumb against Christen’s hand, “this is real. I know you feel it, too. It’s new, and it’s absolutely crazy, but it’s real. It’s real.” 

“Kiss me,” Christen breathed out, between tears. 

Tobin surged forward and took Christen’s face in her own and kissed her soundly, too hard at first, crushing their lips together with the desperation following a longing fulfilled. Christen bunched her hands in the cloth of Tobin’s soft hoodie, pulling her closer. 

“_I missed you,_” Tobin whispered in between kisses, ardent and heated. “_I missed you...I missed you...I missed you…_” 

Tobin moved her lips across her cheek to kiss under her jawbone, making Christen gasp in surprise. Christen moved her hands to the base of Tobin’s top, and ran her fingers over the warm skin she found there. Tobin understood what she wanted and lifted her hoodie and shirt together up and over her head, leaving her chest bare. 

Christen lightly grazed her fingers over the newly exposed collarbones and down her sternum, taking her in. Tobin made no sudden movements, letting Christen control the speed. Suddenly, her fingers stilled.

“Bedroom?” asked Tobin.

“Race you,” Christen grinned, taking off from the couch at a sprint, stripping her clothes along the way. 

“No fair! You got a head start!” Tobin raced after Christen, struggling out of her left pants leg as she trailed behind her. 

“I’m pregnant! I deserve a head start!” Christen shed the last of her clothes and reached the bedroom, letting out a triumphant whoop.

“Incoming!” Tobin tackled her, letting the bed cushion their fall. Christen let out an oomph of surprise before giggling. She kissed the mischievous grin off of Tobin’s face and hummed against her lips. 

“Chris…” Tobin broke the kiss and looked pleadingly into Christen’s eyes. 

“What do you want?” Christen answered with an eyeroll. 

Tobin rolled off of her and stood up, walking to her closet and rummaging through a drawer and turning around holding the peach flesh-colored object. 

“Tobs…is that a strap-on?” Christen couldn’t help the giggle that erupted from her. 

“Yeah. I bought it after our first appointment,” Tobin said sheepishly.

“Our first appointment, or our first _appointment?_” Christen smirked. Tobin chuckled heartily and crossed the room to her.

“Our first appointment, at my office,” Tobin kissed her, smiling against her lips.

“Aw, babe, that’s so sweet. You bought a strap-on the day we met? It’s like Jim and Pam from _The Office,_ but with a strap,” Christen smiled in amusement. 

“Shut up,” Tobin swatted her arm with the strap. “So, you wanna try it? I was waiting for a rainy day, but it seems as good an occasion as any.” 

“So is it for me or for you?” Christen asked, leaning back on her hands. 

“Well, I was thinking for me? Unless you had other ideas?” Tobin said. 

“Well, maybe I want to fuck you tonight,” Christen suggested. 

“But I wanted to fuck you tonight,” Tobin pouted, petulantly. 

“Rock, paper, scissors?” Christen offered as a compromise. 

“Fair enough,” Tobin agreed. She set the strap on the edge of the bed and mirrored Christen, who had one hand in a fist atop her other hand, flat and face up. 

“Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!” Christen threw a scissors, while Tobin threw a rock. Christen let out a celebratory whoop. 

“Fuck! 2 out of 3?” Tobin insisted, her competitive streak on display. 

“You’re lucky I like you,” Christen smiled. 

“Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!” Christen threw a rock, while Tobin threw a scissor. Tobin sighed in resignation. 

“Fair’s fair,” Christen stood and started putting on the strap.

“You’re lucky I like you,” Tobin said, sighing in resignation. 

“Oh, it won’t be so bad. All I’m going to do is fuck your brains out,” Christen said coquettishly. She finished fiddling with the strap on and sat down on the bed. 

“Oh yeah?” Tobin said. “Well, just because you’re wearing the strap doesn’t mean I can’t top.” 

Tobin climbed onto Christen’s lap, straddling her while feeling the dildo cold against her belly. Christen pulled her hips to bring her closer. She looked up and Tobin looked down, locking their eyes, then their lips. Tobin immediately began to grind onto the shaft of the dildo, not breaking the languid kiss. Christen added more friction by moving her hips in tandem with Tobin’s, causing the woman on top to sigh heavily in pleasure against her mouth. 

“_I want to be inside you,_” Christen said softly, breathless. Tobin climbed off of her suddenly, scurrying to her bedside cabinet and pulling out a bottle of lube. Christen scooted back on the mattress, laying flat on her back. 

“I haven’t done this in a long time,” Tobin admitted, putting a large amount onto her hand and moving to straddle Christen again. 

“Don’t worry. I’ll be gentle,” Christen assuaged her nerves. “At first.” 

Tobin grinned and looked deep into Christen’s eyes as she gripped the shaft with both hands, slowly moving down its surface to coat it with a thick layer of lubrication. She didn’t break their locked gaze when she positioned herself over the tip of the dildo and slowly, arduously, deliberately sunk onto the shaft. She let the full girth of it still inside her as it entered, taking as far as she possibly could. She finally broke away from staring into Christen’s green eyes when she started to move her hips, her eyes involuntarily rolling back in her head in ecstasy. 

Christen sat up and reached for the side of Tobin’s exposed neck, applying gentle pressure to force her jaw up and nipped at the base of her throat. She put her other hand at the dip of Tobin’s back, just before the curve of her ass, and guided her as she fucked herself on her strap. 

Tobin abruptly pushed Christen’s shoulders forcefully down into the mattress, leaning her weight down on top of her. She found Christen’s hands and intertwined their fingers, bringing them above her head, riding Christen all the while. Her loose, sandy hair hung down, shrouding their flushed, strenuating faces, and Tobin’s lips found Christen’s amid the discord of the rest of their bodies, connecting them, grounding them. 

Tobin sat up again and stopped the movement of her hips, instead bringing her left hand to her clit. Immediately, Christen started thrusting upward forcefully, jutting her hips so powerfully that the resulting sound was audible. Tobin touched herself, her left hand rubbing circles around her clit while the other hand found her breasts.

When Tobin came, hard and fast, she let out a strangled cry so loud that Christen’s hips stilled, and she sat up and cupped Tobin’s face. 

“Did I hurt you? I’m so sorry,” Christen asked, concern painting her face. 

“No,” Tobin said, with a blissed-out smile. “That was incredible.” 

“Yeah?” Christen’s concern was quickly replaced by a devilish, smug grin. “Let’s do it again.”

A few hours and many mind-blowing orgasms later, they cuddled into each other in their usual position: Christen laid on Tobin’s warm chest, their legs tangled loosely in the sheets below. Christen absently drew nonsense patterns on Tobin’s breastbone while her back was gently caressed. 

“Hey, Chris?” Tobin’s voice rang out in the darkness of the room. 

“Yeah?” Christen answered. 

“You matter to me,” Tobin’s fingers stilled on the expanse of Christen’s moonlit back. 

“You matter to me, too.” 

-=+=-  
[tw: miscarriage]

Tobin woke in the middle of the night to Christen crying out. She sat up with a start to find Christen standing in horror over the bed, tears in her eyes and hands covering her stomach and mouth. She followed Christen’s line of sight to find a massive spot of blood on the pristine white sheets. This was not a normal amount of spotting. 

“Oh… oh no,” Tobin got out of bed and immediately went to Christen’s side, wrapping her arms around her from behind. Christen crumpled in her arms and they sank down onto the floor together. Tobin held her frame close as she shook, as she wept, as she screamed out in grief.

“_I’m so sorry,_” Tobin whispered into her ear. “_I’m so sorry...I’m so sorry...I’m so sorry…_”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oop- im sorry 
> 
> yes i had them play rock paper scissors for who wears the strap and yes i had to flip a coin irl to decide to wore it cause im indecisive 
> 
> leave a comment or kudos to let me know what you think! 
> 
> i'm back at college so updates might be a little infrequent with the posts cause im not ~as~ free anymore. 
> 
> honestly though? i'm not sure there's too much left? but don't worry guys theres like a 70% chance i will actually finish this fic which is so crazy for me so 
> 
> chapter title from you matter to me from waitress


	10. small bump

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like i said...chapters will be a little sporadic because its classes again : ( 
> 
> this chapter is rough, but it ends pretty hopeful. 
> 
> trigger warning: miscarriage, 2 brief blood mentions

Tobin let Christen cry for what seemed like a little infinity, until exhaustion made the sobs subside into a soft, noiseless shaking. Both of their hands were positioned on the small bump of Christen’s stomach, as if to cover the uncertainty that lay inside the dark olive skin. Christen leaned back into Tobin’s bare chest and Tobin’s head was perched on Christen’s shoulder, kissing the skin there soothingly. 

“Chris, we need to go to the clinic,” Tobin murmured softly. “We need to see if both twins…”

“Are dead?” Christen finished, her expression blank.

“My clinic is closed, and so is urgent care, but I can take you to the emergency room,” Tobin said. Christen nodded and they stood up together.

“Tobin, your bed,” Christen gazed at the massive red spot and felt tears spring to her eyes again. “I’m so sorry, I can pay…”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. Don’t worry, seriously. It happens,” Tobin ran her hand down Christen’s arm. She pressed a kiss to her shoulder. “Go and shower, I’ll get you some clothes and clean.” 

Christen nodded and went to shower while Tobin stripped the bed and cleaned the floor. After 30 minutes, Tobin still didn’t hear the water running. 

“Chris?” Tobin knocked on the door. When no answer was given, she opened the door to find Christen naked on the floor of the shower, knees pulled up to her chest, looking the smallest she’d ever looked. 

Tobin stripped as she crossed over to her silently and closed the shower door behind them. She lifted Christen swiftly up to her feet, holding her body close. She reached behind them to turn the water on and let the water sink into their hair, into the crevices between their bodies.

Tobin washed every inch of Christen’s body, becoming acquainted with the flesh in a way she hadn’t before. She cleaned dried, caked blood from the insides of Christen’s legs with a practiced clinical indifference, speaking to her years of medical experience. After cleaning the stained skin, she chastely kissed the soft skin there and stood again, turning the showerhead off. Tobin wrapped them both in soft, cotton towels. 

Tobin dressed them both in her clothes, pulling pants over Christen’s hips and a soft cotton tee over Christen’s abdomen and held her again. Tobin pressed a long kiss to her forehead and pushed her hair behind her ear. They walked out of the house hand in hand; drove to the hospital hand in hand; sat in the dingy waiting room hand in hand.

“Tobin, I need you to do something,” Christen spoke softly. “You aren’t going to like it.”

“Anything,” Tobin answered earnestly, pressing a kiss to the back of Christen’s hand. 

“I need you to call my husband.” 

Tobin blanched, but quickly nodded. She couldn’t let her personal reservations intrude in this situation; this was solely Christen’s struggle. It wasn’t about her. She needed to be there for Christen, however she needed her. 

“He’ll pick up on the 6th or 7th call. Just keep calling until he does,” Christen said. Tobin nodded and took her phone outside to make the call. 

Sure enough, on the 7th call, a gruff male voice answered, “Christen, what the hell do you want at 3 fucking AM?” 

“This is Dr. Tobin Heath, I’m...a friend of Christen’s,” Tobin struggled to keep her voice steady. “We’re at the emergency room, I think she had a miscarriage.” 

Earl was quiet for a moment. “Fuck, we don’t have the money for an emergency room bill.” 

“Seriously? Your wife has just had a miscarriage of her child and you’re concerned about money?” Tobin immediately took to anger. 

“So do you need me there or what?” Earl muttered. 

“Christen asked me to call you,” Tobin answered, through gritted teeth. 

“Well, she seems in good hands with you, Dr. Keith-” Earl began.

“Dr. Heath,” Tobin corrected. 

“Whatever. I told her to take care of it weeks ago, so I guess this is a blessing in disguise,” Earl pondered. 

“She’s just had a fucking _miscarriage._ She lost her _baby._ She’s in grief, you-” Tobin stopped herself before she cussed him out. She loosened her balled fists. “So you’re not coming?” 

“Does she need me there? I don’t have that much gas in the tank, it’s far.” Earl replied, nonchalantly. 

“No. No, she doesn’t. Go back to sleep. You’re a shitty husband, and you would have made a terrible father,” Tobin said, her calm voice laced with disgust and rage. 

“Anything else you’d like to diagnose me with, Dr. Heath?” Earl said sarcastically. 

“I feel sorry for you. I’m truly sorry for what happened to you. I truly am. But Christen deserves better. You may have deserved her once, but you sure as hell don’t now,” Tobin growled into the phone. 

“I really do feel sorry for you, Earl. As a doctor, I sincerely hope you get the help you need.” Tobin hung up and braced herself against a nearby railing. She walked back inside the waiting room to find Christen gone, and immediately her heart started racing. 

“Your wife is in examination room 6-just down the hall, baby,” the kind older woman behind the desk said in a soothing voice. 

“Thank you,” Tobin didn’t bother to correct her. She sped to the room and sighed in relief when she saw Christen just inside, getting her vitals taken. 

“Is this your wife?” the nurse asked, smiling innocently. 

“Yes,” Christen answered for both of them before Tobin had a chance to speak. Christen returned the nurse’s smile in kind and looked over to Tobin. 

Tobin was dumbfounded and at a loss for words, but soon found a genuine smile creeping onto the corners of her face. Her _wife._ It seemed so natural. Despite the less-than-ideal circumstances, she felt a pang of hope echo in her chest. 

Soon, the nurse had recorded the necessary vitals and taken her leave, telling them that the doctor would be in shortly. They were left alone in the examination room. 

“So, your wife, huh?” Tobin asked. 

“They would kick you out if you weren’t family, right?” Christen answered. “It was a practical decision.” 

“Sure,” Tobin answered, a smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth. 

“My husband isn’t coming, is he?” Christen said, nonchalantly. 

Tobin’s face dropped and she shook her head. “I’m so sorry, Chris.” 

“Did you at least tear him a new one?” Christen said. 

“I’m sorry, Chris, I tried to keep my cool, I really did- wait, did you expect me to?” Tobin met her eyes, utterly bewildered. 

“I had a feeling you might. What did you say?” 

“I told him I felt sorry for him. And that he didn’t deserve you...and that I hoped he gets the help he needs,” Tobin stared intently at the floor to avoid Christen’s eyes. When Christen didn’t reply, Tobin looked up and saw her folded in on herself, hands hugging her stomach. 

“Hey, can I...ask you something?” Tobin broached. 

“Mhm,” Christen nodded. 

“Why are you...still with him?” 

Christen’s head snapped sharply in Tobin’s direction, her eyes widening. She opened her mouth to speak when a knock sounded on the door before a young woman in a lab coat swung the door open and walked in. 

“Mrs. Press, Mrs...Toby?” his eyes widened and a smile soon took over his face. 

“Lindsey? Holy shit, how long has it been?” Tobin stood and wrapped the tall blonde in a hug. 

“Too long,” Lindsey grinned. “So, is this the missus?” 

“We’re uh…” Tobin looked back to Christen for an answer. 

“Friends,” Christen supplied. Tobin tried to ignore the way her heart sank. 

“Right. Well I’m sorry we’re not meeting under better circumstances, ma’am. You’ve had a miscarriage?” 

“Well, I woke up to find a massive spot of blood, and I’ve had bad cramping, and I...I feel it? If that makes sense?” Christen explained. 

Lindsey nodded. “Let’s get the ultrasound.” 

“Lindsey, she had twins at her last appointment,” Tobin said, her tone even, trying to mask the panic she was feeling on Christen’s behalf. 

“Are you thinking a possible case of resorption?” Lindsey asked. 

“That’s most likely,” Tobin nodded. 

“Sorry, can you guys fill me in on may or may not be happening in my uterus?” Christen cut in. 

“Can’t be sure until we do an ultrasound or doppler, but twin resorption-it’s also known as vanishing twin syndrome-it’s common in multigestation pregnancies. One twin passes _in utero_ and is reabsorbed,” Lindsey explained. 

“But the other is okay?” Christen asked. 

“Yes, if it’s early in the pregnancy, usually they carry to term and are perfectly healthy,” Lindsey said. “Let me get the ultrasound. I’ll be back.” 

Lindsey left, leaving Tobin and Christen in heavy silence. Tobin reached over and covered Christen’s hand with her own, rubbing gently. 

Lindsey returned and Tobin didn’t let go of her hand while the ultrasound was conducted. Lindsey furrowed her brow in concentration as she conducted the scan, watching the screen intently. 

“It’s a resorption,” Lindsey said, finally. 

“So one of them is still alive?” Christen asked. 

“Yes, and will likely go through the rest of your pregnancy perfectly normally and you’ll deliver a healthy baby,” Lindsey reassured. 

“So when is the operation?” Christen asked.

“Excuse me?” Lindsey asked, bewildered. 

“To remove the….the dead one,” Christen’s voice tightened. 

“Oh, the other twin is partially or completely resorbed, there’s no operation,” Lindsey said. 

“I just...carry my dead baby inside me?” Christen grimaced and looked at her stomach. Lindsey was silent, and Tobin was too. 

“The fetus will likely be completely gone, but if some remains, yes, you will carry it until term,” Lindsey answered. 

Christen sat up and began to clean her stomach of the ultrasound gel. “Thank you, Lindsey, for your help. Am I good to go?” 

“Chris,” Tobin looked over at her. 

“You already filled out the necessary paperwork, so, yes-you’re good to go. Check in with your OBGYN as soon as you can, let them know what’s happened and schedule an appointment,” Lindsey recommended. 

Tobin and Christen turned to each other, neither of them willing to admit that Tobin was her OBGYN. The arrangement was far from professional. Tobin wasn’t even sure she could tell Lindsey, and they had been friends for years. 

“I will,” Christen confirmed, smiling politely at Lindsey. “It was really nice to meet you, Lindsey.” 

Christen made her exit, walking briskly to the door and make. Tobin trailed a few paces behind her, wanting to give her space. Tobin longed to reach out to her, to hold her close and ease her pain, but she knew that Christen needed to make the first move. When they got to the car, they sat in silence while Tobin turned the car, playing Christen’s favorite chill music playlist and awaiting further instructions on where to go. 

“Can you take me back to yours to get my uniform? I need to get to work,” Christen said, finally. 

“No, Chris, you just had a miscarriage. Call in sick, or ask Kelley or Ali to cover your shift,” Tobin said.

“Tobin, I need this money. I just had a really expensive appointment, and I need to pay for more in the future, and-” Christen rambled. 

“Let me help you,” Tobin said, softly. 

“Absolutely not, Tobin, I won’t accept your pity money,” Christen scoffed. 

“It’s not pity money. It’s not pity when I care about you and the welfare of our… of your child,” Tobin corrected herself quickly. “I want you both to be healthy, to be safe.” 

“No, I won’t let you,” Christen said stubbornly. 

“Christen, please. Please let me do this for you. You can even pay me back, if you want, later,” Tobin pleaded. “I want to do this.” 

“I…” Christen looked at her. “Let me think about it.” 

“And the day off? Can you please take the day off? And let your friends know what happened? You need to rest,” Tobin said. 

“Tobin-” Christen started. 

“Doctor’s orders,” Tobin said, a hint of a smile behind her voice. 

“You’re really gonna pull that card?” Christen rolled her eyes but she giggled. 

“Yes, really! Doctor’s orders,” Tobin giggled too. 

“Can we...go home and take a nap?” Christen asked. 

“Oh god, yes. I’m so tired,” Tobin backed out of the parking lot and they went home together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment/kudos to let me know what you think! 
> 
> so this fic is kinda coming to an end soonish...but if you happen to like my writing,,,, maybe go read my other preath fic? it's not ~as~ sad. it's super sweet and it's a kid fic! so :) 
> 
> chapter title from small bump by ed sheeran aka the saddest song about miscarriage to ever exist


	11. emotional motion sickness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im the stan twitter meme where britney spears walks into the ellen show but theres no reaction and shes like so awkwardly entering the room and you can hear her heels clacking on the floor while the audience watches in silence, judging her 
> 
> ummmm so.... im back haha you can't get rid of me bitch! i got so many notifications to revive my fics and after over 4 months....im here to deliver. quarantine blues has got me missing preath and i'll be finishing this fic, i promise. i'll also update the other one, and i have some ideas for other ones -eyes emoji-.

Christen knew it was bad when Carli noticed something was off. She had told Kelley and Ali of the miscarriage the day after she had returned from the hospital, and they had been treading lightly around her, just as everyone had been, and she hated it. She hated the feeling of being pitied. When Carli pulled her aside after a particularly bad day, she knew she was in for it. 

“Christen, you’re one of my most reliable employees. You’re never late, you’re well liked by the customers, the staff like you-but something’s been going on the last few days, and you’ve either got to take care of it or I’m going to have to think about taking drastic measures. I don’t know what’s happening but I suggest you take a few days off.” Carli crossed her arms and spoke levelly. 

“I… I can’t. I need this money,” Christen said, her heart beating fast. She suddenly felt like a schoolgirl in trouble with the principal. 

“Then figure it out. You’re getting orders wrong, you’ve spilled more coffee than delivered it successfully to the table, and our regulars are taking notice,” Carli spoke harshly. 

“I’m sorry, Carli...I’ll figure it out,” Christen nodded and took her leave. 

Tobin was waiting for her when she returned from the back, slumped in a booth. She was wearing a black hoodie under an open coat, her signature loose jeans, snapback and Nikes still present despite the brisk temperature outside. 

“Hi,” Tobin’s face immediately broke out into a smile upon seeing her, but fell just as quickly upon seeing Christen’s face. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I just…” Christen met her eyes and suddenly broke out into tears. “No, I’m not okay.” 

“Hey, hey,” Tobin rose to her feet and wrapped her in a tight hug, letting tears fall onto her hoodie. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.” 

Tobin gripped her hand tight on the drive home, rubbing circles with her thumb. She didn’t let go of her hand when they entered the house, and led Christen to the bedroom, where she sat her down with a kiss on the forehead. 

“I’ll draw you a bath, alright? Give me a few, I’ll be right back,” she pressed a kiss to Christen’s hand. 

“Will you…with me?” Christen asked. 

“Of course, baby. Whatever you need.” 

A few minutes later, they sat in Tobin’s spacious bathtub, with Christen nestled in Tobin’s arms in the deliciously warm water. In any other situation, their nakedness, proximity, and the scent of the water would have made an easy scenario to lead to sex; today, it was clear that what Christen needed was the lulling and gentle comfort of her lover’s arms and the cleansing water. 

They sat there in silence, communicating through soft caresses, before Tobin spoke. 

“Can I say something? You might not like it,” she warned. 

“Oh? Is it bad?” Christen’s heart rate quickened suddenly. 

“No, no, not at all.” Tobin kissed Christen’s bare shoulder. “I think...you might benefit from seeing a therapist.” 

Christen didn’t react immediately. She had seen a therapist in her younger years, when she struggled with self-image issues and anxiety, but she hadn’t seen a therapist since she married Earl. 

“That’s a good idea, actually,” Christen nodded in agreement. “Do you know of any in the area?”

“‘Actually?’ As if it’s so surprising that I could have a good idea?” Tobin chuckled. 

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” Christen giggled. “I think you’re very smart, which makes you infinitely sexier.” 

Tobin hummed and perched her head on Christen’s shoulder. “I’ll ask the receptionist for some referrals.” 

“Thank you,” Christen said. “For everything.” 

“I-” Tobin’s throat slicked, suddenly realizing she was about to let slip 3 dangerous words. “I love you” nearly slipped from her lips as if it were second nature. She couldn’t utter them yet, though.

“I care about you, a lot, Chris. You mean a lot to me, and I want nothing more in the world than for you to be happy and healthy. That includes your mind,” Tobin kissed her temple. 

The words would have to wait, but she found her heart beating faster knowing the truth of the weight they carried was earnest. It was true, and she knew it. Tobin loved her. She loved her. 

And it terrified her.

-=+=-

“So, Mrs. Press. What brings you in today?” her therapist said in a gentle voice.

“Christen, please,” Christen corrected. “A few things, really. My...um…” She struggled with what to call Tobin. Doctor? Friend? Extramarital Lover? None of those really seemed to encapsulate their relationship. “A...friend of mine told me that I might benefit from therapy.” 

“Did they give a reason why?” 

“Well, I’m pregnant.” Christen stated plainly. 

Dr. Johnson’s expression stayed gentle and inviting. “I sense that might be causing you some distress.” 

“I...I had a miscarriage. A week or so ago. I was having twins, and now I’m carrying my dead baby inside me, until the other one can be born. I want to be strong, I have to be strong, for the one still alive, but I just feel...I can’t explain it,” Christen sighed shakily. 

“You’ve experienced the loss of a child. That is one of the hardest things in the world, for any parent. Whatever you’re feeling right now, however you choose to deal with this immense pain-it’s right. There is no right way to deal with grief,” Dr. Johnson spoke with certainty, but her easy tone made it comforting, rather than intimidating. 

“But it wasn’t even a child yet,” Christen felt her eyes watering. 

“You can still feel loss and grief for an unborn life,” Dr. Johnson said. “You have another child to look after now, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t be strong for him or her. But there is a way to be strong and still be vulnerable. To be strong and still need support and ask for help. Is there anyone supporting you? Is the father in the picture?” 

“Yes...sort of.” Christen fidgeted with her legs. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Earl, my husband, and the father of the baby, he’s ex-military. He was honorably discharged for an injury.” she paused. 

“Your marital life?” Dr. Johnson asked. 

“We used to be happy. We married so young, right out of high school. We were 19. When he told me he was enlisting and wanted to be married, I just said yes. Everyone around me, my family and friends, they all were against it. I didn’t listen, and look where it’s got me,” Christen shook her head. 

“It’s just like you said. You were young. You can’t hold yourself to the standards then as you do now,” the older woman said. 

“Yes, but I stayed. I stayed and I dropped out of college, threw in my whole life, really-to be with my high school boyfriend, who treats me like shit. Now I’m a waitress working a dead end job that doesn’t pay me near enough and I’m knocked up and I’m having an affair with my damn gynecologist because I don’t love my husband anymore and I lost my baby and-” Christen’s eyes watered over with tears as she spilled out everything. “And I feel so alone.” 

Dr. Johnson stood up silently and put a box of tissues in Christen’s lap. “You’re not alone, Christen. You took a conscious step to seek out professional help, and you’re not alone. You mentioned your friend earlier? Tell me about them. They obviously care deeply about you, enough for them to urge you to seek professional help.” 

“Tobin,” Christen smiled at the thought of her. “Tobin is amazing. She’s-she’s everything I want. She’s so creative, and smart, and funny, and thoughtful, and conveniently very rich. And the sex is mindblowing.” 

Dr. Johnson knit her eyebrows together in confusion before the lightbulb went off in her head. “She’s the gynecologist?” 

“Yes. She...I don’t want you to get the wrong impression, of her or me, because neither of us are usually...I don’t cheat on my husband, and she doesn’t have sex with her patients,” Christen said.

“I’m not here to judge you, Christen. Just here to listen.” Dr. Johnson affirmed. 

“No, but she is-she’s such an amazing person. Neither of us saw it coming, but I saw her at a bar, and she was somewhat tipsy and my pregnancy hormones made me all sorts of...and she’s so attractive...and one thing led to another, and neither of us wanted to stop,” Christen said. 

“Does being with her make you feel less alone?” 

“Yes. I have my family, and my two amazing friends, Kelley and Ali-they’re so loyal and understanding, but being with Tobin is like...it’s like an addiction. I know it’s wrong, but all my moral quandaries go away when I’m alone with her,” Christen’s green eyes wandered into the distance, picturing Tobin in her mind. 

“Tell me more about why you think it’s wrong.” 

“She’s not my husband. He may be an asshole misogynist who uses me and takes my money to fuel his own selfish needs, but he doesn’t deserve to be cheated on. No one deserves that.” Christen bowed her head bashfully. 

“Tell me more about why you’re still with him.” 

“It’s like...no matter how hard I try, I can’t leave him. It’s been too long, and now he’s the father of my baby, and I just-I don’t want to do this alone,” Christen started tearing up again. 

“Do you think it might be the change that scares you? Or your feelings for Tobin, maybe?” 

“I think...I think I might be in love with her.” Christen spoke, surprised by her own words. 

“How does that make you feel?”

“I just...I think it’s too much right now. I’m dealing with too much, I can’t-” Christen shook her head.

“Now is the time you need to be embracing support, Christen. Not pushing people away.” Dr. Johnson suggested. 

“I just...I don’t know. I’m scared to completely leave my old life and step into a new one, I guess,” Christen said. 

“Your life has already started to change, now that Tobin and this baby are in it. One of the biggest misconceptions about change is that it’s immediate. It happens slowly, and there’s no possible way to completely leave your past behind. It will always be a part of who you are, and where you are in your journey to health and happiness.” Dr. Johnson smiled kindly. 

“You’re right,” Christen said. She thought about her past, and how she would never have known Tobin, allowed herself to get close to Tobin, in the past. Then she began to consider a future, a future with a child, two loving parents, and her days filled with joy rather than misery. 

“I may have a little bit of experience in this field,” Dr. Johnson joked innocently. Christen’s face broke into a smile and the two women shared a laugh.

-=+=-

Christen returned to her own house feeling like a massive weight had been removed from her shoulders. She knew that there were a lot of decisions she had to make, but at the moment, she felt free, mentally relaxed, and centered. She unlocked the door and shuffled out of her shoes, tying her hair back in preparation for cooking supper.

She entered the kitchen, where Earl was leaning on the kitchen counter, white-knuckling the linoleum countertop. He was shaking with rage. He didn’t even look at her as he spoke in a low voice, barely hiding his anger. 

“You lying, cheating bitch.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter left...and im honestly not sure how it's gonna go. since the beginning, i had planned to end it a certain way, but all this time has got me thinking...
> 
> thanks for sticking around xoxo 
> 
> chapter title from motion sickness by phoebe bridgers


	12. love is a ruthless game (unless you play it good and right)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i may have split this into two chapters so there's actually one more! surprise hehe thats why this one is a little short
> 
> sorry i'm late in updating, i got 80% of my stomach removed (weight loss surgery) and ive been in the hospital so that isn't fun : ( .

“You lying, cheating bitch.” Earl spat the words piercingly at her and yet he did not face her, his tensed shoulders pulling the fabric of his shirt so tight it threatened to rip. 

“Earl, listen-” Christen’s immediate instinct was to back away from the six feet of primal male rage standing opposite her. 

“You think-you think I didn’t know you were comin’ home, odd hours of the night, sneakin’ into my bed, smellin’ like someone else? I’m not the brightest, but I just thought...dammit!” he slammed his fist into the linoleum countertop. 

“Earl, just wait-” 

“Who is he?” he yelled. “Who the fuck is he? Does he fuck you better than I do? Is he bigger’n me? Tell me, goddamn it!” He swiped some kitchen utensils to the ground, letting the ceramic of the container shatter between them. Christen yelped in surprise. 

“I’ve known you for so long, Christen Press, and you never lied to me. You were an honest girl. Maybe not the prettiest of the bunch, but you were honest,” he said. 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean-” 

“And I find out from one of my buddies who sees you gettin’ out some rich schmuck’s car, kissing him on the lips through his open window for everyone to fuckin’ see, for everyone to know some asshole in a Tesla’s ridin’ my fuckin’ woman and makin’ a cuckold outta me. Ain’t I suffered enough? I lost half my manhood in Afghanistan, but that wasn’t enough for you, was it?” Earl punched the nearest cabinet and put a massive dent in it.

All Christen can work up the will say is, “Her. Not him. It was a her.” 

Earl laughed. A hearty, soulless, cold laugh that sounded like the shrieking of a maniacal bird. “You cheated on me with- with some chick? Why didn’t you just let me in on the party?” 

Christen was emboldened by his disgusting comment. “Not just some chick. Her name is Tobin, and yes, she does fuck me better than you ever did.” 

“Wait a minute. That bitch Dr. Keith who called me up the other day even though you were just fine?” 

“Heath, yes. And I wasn’t Fine. I’m still not fine. I lost my child, Earl. And make no mistake: when this baby-” she rested her hand on her stomach, “-comes into the world, he or she is _my_ child. Not yours.”

“Now, hang on-” 

“I want a divorce. And full custody, after he or she is born.” Christen regained her composure, her strength. 

“You don’t get to-” 

But Christen was on a roll. “My child will _never_ be like you. You are selfish, rude, and abusive. You lost me the moment you lost yourself. I feel bad for you, Earl. I do. The things you’ve seen and the pain you’ve experienced are inconceivably awful. But I deserved better than what you put me through. You put me through hell everyday. I dropped out of college. I work a dead end job that makes me want to die. You took my money, my _life_ from me.” 

Earl was silent. 

“I’m sorry I lied to you. You didn’t deserve that, and that’s not who I am, or who I want to be. But you and I both know that we have been over for a long time,” Christen’s vision was blurry, and she realized she was crying. She looked at him and realized he was crying, too. His blotchy face glistened in the washed out kitchen light, and his brown eyes were dulled by red. 

“So that’s it, then?” he rubbed at his face with a sniffle. 

“That’s it.” 

They stood there then, the space between them littered with fragments and shards. Christen moved first, stepping carefully over the sharp, raw edges and walking to the door. “I’ll send the papers over soon and come get my things later.” 

She looked back at him then, and despite his large stature, he seemed so small, like a deflated balloon. He stood, frozen in time, and she left.

-=+=-

Tobin wasn’t off work yet, but Christen knew she would be soon enough, so she took a bus and walked. In spite of her cankles, it was pretty cathartic, the repeated, routine motion of her gait. It was stabilizing her as her world tore to pieces.

She had known, in the back of her mind, that this day of reckoning was bound to come. That the dangerous game she played would eventually catch up to her. Her heart beat loud in her chest as she unlocked the door to Tobin’s house with the key she’d been granted a few weeks ago. 

Christen was eerily calm as she set her shoes methodically at the threshold, and made herself comfortable on the floor of the living room. She let herself be carried by the emotions she was experiencing, crying while she meditated. Eventually she evened her breath, bringing herself back to center, her wandering mind temporarily quelled. She knew what she had to do. 

She opened her eyes when the door opened revealing Tobin, her hair slightly messy and her scrubs hanging loose on her chest, showing her tan skin and collarbones. She must have been on duty at the local hospital today, Christen thought. 

“Hey,” Tobin kicked off her shoes and padded barefoot into the living room, leaning down to give Christen a kiss on the forehead before sitting with her legs crossed in front of her. She seemed to instantly realize something was off, analyzing her red, swollen eyes with concern. “What’s wrong?”

“We’re...I’m getting a divorce.” Christen was resolute, her expression unreadable. 

Tobin should have been happy. But looking at Christen, her eyes blotchy and sunken, she felt no joy. She reached for Christen’s hand and massaged her hand with her thumb. “I’m sorry.” 

“It was bound to happen, anyway,” Christen shook her head and looked down. 

“That doesn’t mean it can’t hurt.” Tobin was patient, and calm. She wanted to let Christen process in whatever way she needed. Christen looked up at her with an expression that eerily resembled regret. 

“You’re amazing. Did you know that? You’re an incredible doctor, and an even better person. Which is going to make this so much harder.” Tears welled up in Christen’s eyes. She couldn’t meet Tobin’s eyes. 

“Chris?” Dread seeped into Tobin’s chest. She felt the world closing in on her. 

“I love you. So, so much.” Christen swiped away the tears flowing down her cheeks. “But our timing is wrong.” 

“Chris, don’t do this.” Tobin’s vision grew blurry with heavy tears. 

“I think we should-” Christen started. 

“Please, Chris, don’t.” Tobin gripped Christen’s hand while tears seeped into her shirt. 

Christen hesitated, and Tobin jumped at the window. “I love you. I love you, Chris, and I want to be with you. I want to raise this baby with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please, please don’t leave me.” Tobin’s voice broke. “I love you so much.” 

Christen sobbed even harder. “You’re not going to make this easy, are you?” She leaned her forehead against Tobin’s, holding her face. Tobin turned her head slightly and kissed the inside of Christen’s palm. 

Christen’s voice steadied while tears gushed down her cheeks. “I need time. To heal, to process, to figure myself out. All of this, with the baby and everything.”

“Let me help you,” Tobin begged. 

“I just…I can’t right now. I have to do this alone.” Christen ran her thumb over the other woman’s cheekbone. Her eyes found Tobin’s, wide and pleading. 

“Please. Please, just... stay.” 

Christen brought Tobin’s face close, and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. “It’s not a never, Tobs. It’s just not now.”

“I’ll wait.” Tobin’s face was resolute, her tone hardened. “I’ll wait. As long as it takes.”

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

“I’ll wait,” Tobin repeated. There was nothing but certainty in her voice, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. She would wait. As long as it took. 

Christen regarded her then, with a soft, sad smile. This woman was the best thing that had ever happened to her, and she had never seen it coming. For years, she knew better than to believe in fate, in luck, in any force besides her own will, and possibly karma. But how could she not believe in those intangible forces now, with the living embodiment of goodness and selfless love sitting before her? And how, after everything the universe threw at her, could she scorn the blessing given to her? 

“Until the baby comes,” she said, finally. “Can you wait until then? To give me time to find my feet?” 

“Yes,” Tobin immediately agreed, nodding vigorously. She reached out to put her hand on Christen’s swollen belly, softly rubbing her thumb over the fabric of her shirt. “26 weeks.” 

“26 weeks,” Christen repeated, in confirmation. “Okay?”

“Okay.” Tobin sniffled, her tears slowly petering out. 

Christen sighed inwardly, and moved to stand. Tobin scrambled to her feet and helped her to her feet. Christen put her arms securely around Tobin’s thin frame, holding her tight. She melted into her touch, memorizing the smell of her skin, clean and earthy. Tobin pressed a kiss to her neck, then her jaw, and suddenly they were kissing as if the world were ending. Lips crushing against each other, devouring the last of this time, to savor the taste of each other. A kiss to remember, in their imaginations, when nights were dark and lonely. A kiss to define this ephemeral state of grace. 

Christen broke off first, wiping at her watery eyes and stepping out of Tobin’s embrace. She knew if she didn’t, she would never leave. But she needed to, to find and redefine herself, outside of her relationship to others. 

She left without another word, slipping her shoes onto her feet and walking out quickly. She couldn’t bring herself to say goodbye. She so dearly despised goodbyes. She couldn’t stand the thought of saying the word to Tobin, to make it concrete and final. It was hard enough as it was.

A bus ride later, she arrived at the only place she knew where to go. Christen knocked at the door, and waited for her best friend to materialize in the doorway. 

“Christen? Oh my god, what happened?” Ali stepped out in a fluffy robe and bunny slippers, and wrapped her in a hug. 

“Can I stay with you for a while?” Christen asked. 

“Of course. You’re always welcome in my home,” Ali reassured her, rubbing her shoulders. “Come on in, it’s getting cold out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls dont be mad xoxo gossip girl 
> 
> i had an original ending to this fic that i had in mind the whole time and it wasn't a happy one, but it wasn't an unhappy one. however, since i took time off, and its the time of ms rona, and you guys wanted a happy ending, i decided to re-evaluate. i did a lot of mulling, and i think ive settled on a way for it to end that i like, a "happy medium," so to say. and hey, i can write an au of my own fic one day with the original ending in mind, who knows? not me, certainly. 
> 
> chapter title from State of Grace - Acoustic Version by Taylor Swift. stream red for clear skin good grades 
> 
> by the way, i will be updating my other fic, if you are following that one (which you should, its much happier). i want to finish this one first! i also have so many more ideas! you cant get rid of me bitch i aint going nowhere!


	13. illicit affairs (and clandestine meetings and longing stares)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the final chapter! it's been a long time coming. this is the first ever multichapter fic i've ever finished, and by far the longest. funny enough, my google doc for this fic is called "oh look another fic i'll never finish." look at us now! 
> 
> chapter title from illicit affairs by taylor swift, which i'm convinced she wrote specifically for this fic. stream folklore! 
> 
> a few lines at the end are inspired by normal people on hulu, so credit where credit is due!
> 
> also, wear a mask and if you're in the US, register to vote x
> 
> by the way i cut kelley out of this and no i will not apologize x

_Oh, fuck,_ Christen thought, as she felt a cramping, tight sensation deep in her belly.

_I’m in labor._

Pain flushed her neck and face red as she opened her eyes unto a small group of her yoga students, most of whom had not noticed anything awry.

She cleared her throat, breaking the blanket of silent peace the meditation had brought the group. “I’m so sorry class, I’m gonna have to end early today. I think I’m in labor.” 

A mixture of emotions came across the faces of her students, from the slight horror among the two male members of the class to the genuine concern of many of the female students. She stood, grabbing her sweatshirt and yoga mat, and raced out of the room. She stopped by her boss’ office and informed her of the situation, and she agreed to handle it, wishing Christen the best of luck. Her boss, Becky, had always been kind to her; when Christen came in to receive her yoga certification, Becky had offered her a job as an instructor immediately after.

Christen texted Ali that she’d felt her first contraction, and her best friend instantly agreed to come over and keep her company while they waited for active labor to start. 

She wasn’t surprised her water didn’t break. Her doctor had told her as much, that in many pregnancies, people didn’t experience their water breaking until much later, or possibly never. It wasn’t like the movies, a gush of water hitting the floor, a mad rush to the hospital, swerving through red lights at intersections amid honks from cars. The truth was much less pretty.

At her new apartment, she set up some pillows and got out her stopwatch on her phone to time the duration and time between her contractions. She put on Glee, a comfort show of hers, and waited for her best friend to arrive. 

Ali opened the door a few minutes later, immediately rushing to Christen’s side and adjusting the pillows at her back. “Hey big mama,” she said, kissing the top of Christen’s head then settling on the couch next to her. 

“Hey,” Christen gave a weak smile before the onset of another contraction, cussing in pain. She took out her timer app and recorded 33 seconds of pain like a clamp on her lower back and stomach. 

“How long since the last one?” Ali said, rubbing her hand gently. 

Christen checked her phone again. “20 minutes. We need to wait until they’re more like 5 minutes apart. This is going to fucking suck. I want this little parasite out of me!” 

“And he or she will come soon, Chris. For now, we watch Santana re-awaken the lesbian in me.” Ali nodded at the TV. “Can I get you anything? More pillows? Some water?” 

“I’ll go get it myself. I should walk anyway.” Christen rose to her feet unsteadily, with Ali’s help, and waddled to get herself some water. 

The next few hours were awful. The contractions, which happened with more and more frequency over the hours, became progressively stronger and longer. Christen hadn’t slept in hours, and it didn’t seem like she would be any time soon, not if the little demon in her uterus had anything to say about it. 

Now that the time was fast approaching and she’d be a mother to a real, flesh and blood baby, in just a few hours, she paused and felt her heart pound in her chest. Was the baby going to look like Earl? Would she be okay if they did? Was she even ready to be a parent? She didn’t have the financial security she wanted, definitely, and what if she couldn’t afford the baby? Would she have to put them up for adoption? Why did she have to wear that stupid red dress 9 months ago in a spell of loneliness? And Tobin… _and Tobin..._

Christen felt a kick, a swift movement inside her, as if the baby heard her. Another contraction flooded her with pain, a hot, relentless pain that didn't let up. After a full minute of searing pain. She spoke sternly to the baby inside her. 

“Listen up, you little shit,” she looked down at her swollen belly. “You had better speed up the process because this is getting really, really tiring.” 

She sighed aloud and spoke again. “I know...I know I didn’t want you at first, and I’m far from the best mother you could have gotten. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I…” she trailed off. “But I love you. I can promise that. I can’t wait for you to meet your aunts. Auntie Ali, Auntie Ashlyn, Tyler, Channing. I can’t wait for you to meet your grandma and grandpa, they’ll spoil you rotten. And Tob-” she stopped short, realizing what she’d almost said. 

“You’re loved, baby. You’re so loved, already.” She felt tears gushing down her cheeks.

Another contraction rocked her body and she checked her phone. 3 minutes apart. 

“Ali!” she called to the living room where her best friend was napping. “The baby’s coming!”

-=+=-

Ali drove her to the hospital, while Christen counted the minutes between contractions by checking her phone. She was contemplating a home birth, but she doubted the best place to scream in pain and birth her child was the new dingy apartment she had rented on a one year lease, next to loud frat dudes on her left and the anarchist stoners on her right. But it was something; it was hers.

She had done a preadmit two weeks earlier, methodical and focused as always, even with her own pregnancy. So when she came to the hospital, in pain, she didn’t have to worry about an ounce of paperwork. 

Christen was whisked by nurses into a wheelchair and up to a room two floors above, when she fired off a few quick, terse texts to her family groupchat. She contemplated, just for a moment, texting Tobin, letting her thumb hover over her contact for a touch too long before she hesitated, and clicked off the phone. 

The nurses kicked up a whirlwind, asking her questions about her contractions, helping her undress and redress into a hospital gown, taking her vitals, and all the necessary steps. Finally, she was situated in her hospital bed, wincing in pain, white-knuckling the railing beside her. She closed her eyes to concentrate on breathing. 

“I’m so sorry about the pain, baby. The anesthesiologist is standing by, and your doctor called to say he’s got the flu, but he’s sent another doctor in his stead,” the older nurse said. “Not to worry, though! Dr. Heath is one of the best.” 

Christen’s eyes shot wide open. “Who?” 

“Dr. Heath, she’s young, but very experienced. You have nothing to worry about, I promise. She’s very professional.” 

Christen wanted to laugh. _Yes,_ she thought. _Very professional._

At that moment Tobin rushed in, the door swinging open with a loud _smack_. Her hair was slung up into a ponytail, slightly out of breath, it seemed, from running here. Her eyes were dimmer than usual, sunken into her tall cheekbones. She looked, plainly, tired. 

“Oh, here she is now. I’ll give y’all time to get acquainted,” the nurse said. 

There was a pregnant pause between them.

“I thought-” Christen started. 

“Dr. Andonovski has the flu.” Tobin finished. Christen had asked for a referral to another doctor after their “break” six months ago, and since then, she’d been under the care of Dr. Vlatko Andonovski, a kindly older Macedonian-American doctor. He was stern, but gentle, and he made Christen feel safe under his care. 

Another beat. Christen lifted her arm then, and Tobin closed the space between them, coming close to her bedside. Christen placed her hand on Tobin’s face, tired and slightly gaunt, and Tobin’s hand closed around hers, melting into her touch. “I’m glad you’re here.” 

“I miss you.” Tobin spoke plainly, softly. 

Before she could respond, the door opened again and they sprang apart. Ali, who had gone to park the car, rushed to Christen’s side, reaching out to hold her hand. She looked surprised to see Tobin.

“Are you here professionally or personally?” Ali asked. 

Tobin looked from Christen, to Ali, and back, silently. She ran her fingers through her hair and adjusted the medical ID badge on her lapel. 

“Both, then,” Ali answered her own question. “Dr. Andonovski?” 

“Flu,” Tobin and Christen spoke in unison. Ali nodded and stroked Christen’s hand. 

“How’s she looking, doc?” Ali asked. 

“Her vitals are good, under the circumstances. Let me just-” Tobin removed a stethoscope from around her neck and pressed the end to Christen’s swollen belly, pressing down on different areas with her free hand while she listened. “The heartbeat is strong, the baby’s not breech. You’re in good shape. We’ll need to wait a few hours until you’re fully dilated before we head to the delivery room, but I’ll be with you the whole time, Chris. I promise.” 

Christen winced again as another contraction came, and she let out an audible cry of pain. She shook her head as sweat formed on her forehead, and grabbed Tobin’s hand forcefully, locking eyes with her. “You’d better be.” 

Tobin locked her gaze with her own. “I will be with you every step of the way. You and this baby are going to be just fine.”

-=+=-

“FUCK!” Christen shouted. The epidural didn’t completely dismiss the discomfort of birth, which was taking much longer than Christen anticipated.

“You’ve got this, Chris. Just a little more.” Tobin’s voice eased her more than the epidural ever had. “Push for me.” 

A nurse mopped the sweat from her brow as she grunted and pushed more. Ali and the rest of the nurses cheered her on every step of the way. Tobin was much more serious, her voice steady and sure. 

“You’re so close. So close. I can see the head. One more, Chris. You can do this.” 

A scream ripped out of Christen’s throat and suddenly, it was over. She heard a baby’s cry, and immediately, tears ran down her face at the sound of her newborn. 

“Tobin?” Christen asked, before Tobin could say a word. 

“Yes?” 

“Could you-could you cut the umbilical cord?” 

A breath audibly hitched in Tobin’s throat, and Christen could make out her eyes getting teary. “Of course.” She did so, and approached Christen’s bedside. 

“Are you ready to meet our...your son, Chris?” Tobin asked. 

“Son?” Christen said, barely a whisper. 

Tobin placed the baby on Christen’s chest, skin-to-skin. “He’s so beautiful, Christen. I’m so proud of you.” 

Ali came around the other side of her bed and kissed her forehead. “You did so good, big mama.” 

One of the nurses came and wiped the baby’s chest gently. “And what’s his name, Ms. Press?” 

“Alexander Heath Press,” Christen whispered. “For the people who got me through this.” 

She looks up at Tobin and Ali, who are blinking through tears. The most important people in her life, and the newest addition to their little family: a tiny, wrinkly red face; a smattering of her dark hair.

This, she thought, this very feeling- was worth the wait.

-=+=-

Alexander lay between them on the queen sized bed, bundled in a blue onesie patterned with elephants. His hands-tiny, clumsy, hands- were wrapped around a lovey with a giraffe head. He was asleep, finally.

Christen met Tobin’s hazel eyes across the bed and smiled. They both lay on their sides, facing each other. The air was silent but for the rise and fall of Alexander’s tiny breathing. 

“What are you thinking right now?” Tobin spoke in a soft whisper as to not wake the baby. 

“I’m so happy,” Christen whispered back. 

“I thought so,” Tobin grinned. “Me too.”

Christen studied her for a moment. “I used to think you could read my mind.”

“In bed?” Tobin asked. 

“Yes, that,” Christen smirked, “But after, too. Like we were connected, in more than...a physical way.” 

“I felt it, too,” Tobin spoke without hesitation. “Do you...still feel that way?” 

Christen paused for a moment, taking her in: the high cheekbones, sharp jaw, strong, sturdy frame. Her heart, exposed on her sleeve. She knew the answer. The only answer. “Yes.”

“Be with me.” It was an offer, but Tobin uttered it reverently, as a prayer. “I love you. Both of you. You’re my whole world.” 

“I love you.” The words flowed from Christen’s heart to her tongue, true and sure. 

“So it’s a yes?” Tobin asked, hopeful. Her voice was calm, but Christen knew her well enough to know that she was unsure of Christen’s answer. 

“Yes.” Their hands met, fingers linking, over Alexander’s sleeping form. “Yes, yes, yes.” 

Alexander interrupted the moment as he began to cry. A foul stench followed. Christen sighed before letting out a giggle at the abrupt interruption. Tobin rose and found the diaper bag, and Christen watched her. Her heart swelled at the sight. Tobin, ready to coparent, ready to give her and Alexander all of herself. Tobin, hers. _Hers. _

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Christen asked. 

Tobin looked up at her, her honeyed hazel eyes crinkling at the edges with a smile. 

“I’m in, Chris. I’m all in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you've stuck around this long, you've got all my thanks and love. thanks for your support, for everything. more to come ;)


End file.
